This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. First of all, I thought I was over my pride. I lost my entire identity over 4 years ago and had to start over. There were a lot of different individuals who helped me through that process; my sports psychologist, my coach, my bosses, and Phil.
Second, why do I feel like a whiny brat when I am dealing with something abnormal? What 25 year old has difficulty holding a pen and writing? Not many, so why is it hard for me to ask for help? It seems so minimal to me, oh whoopy I'm having a writing problem boohoo... there is a lot worse going on (I know it doesn't minimize my experience but it's hard to not feel this way).
Third, if I can tell other people to ask for help and really mean it without judgment, why do I feel like people are going to judge me? I feel like my head trauma isn't my identity but it does effect me. I don't talk about it that much anymore and I just deal with it but now that it's becoming a bigger issue I almost feel like people think I'm making it up (no one has said this to me and no one said it to me before but it is just this sense I get from others).
The reality boils down to my lack of honesty with myself. I am fully aware of the multiple head traumas I have suffered, I'm even more aware of the effects that head trauma can have on an individual; however, I have not put those two together, I AM suffering from the effects of head trauma. I have tremors, I have difficult writing and gripping things, I get headaches, I have problems remembering things, and I haveissues with word finding.
I'm not embarrassed or self-conscious about these things, in fact I know people without head trauma have some of these problems, but it is important for me to make that connection. Part of the issue is that I am still high functioning, I am in a doctoral program and I am doing well thus far (we're only in the first semester so let's not go crazy!). I look normal to other people and I think I am normal, until I am reminded that my concussions may have healed (well, one is in progress) but I will more than likely deal with long-term effects.
I asked one of my professors today if it was ok that I take notes on my laptop, as I know she prefers not to have computers in her classroom, she said today it was fine but I need to get a letter from ODS (Office of Disability Services). What?! Disability Services?! It's not THAT serious, I mean geez... but as I took a step back I thought, or is it that serious?
Luckily I have a neurology appointment on Thursday. It won't be at OSU where I wanted to go because it's taking too long and I need to see someone, but I am grateful to be seeing someone and get this process started. I already have a brain MRI from March so I'm hoping that will help and maybe I won't have to get another one, but I'll do whatever they say. I just want answers... I just want a direction so I know what to expect.
The reality is that my life has been forever changed. For better? Depends on who you ask. But I'm going to do my best to make sure I use it for something good... Until next time, stay healthy!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
It's Never Over And That's OK...
The fight for spreading knowledge about head trauma is going to be an uphill battle. I've been hiding from the fact that this is something I need to be a part of. My new found friend, Lauren, writes a blog <http://lifeafterthegame.wordpress.com/> and it is fantastic. I feel like I can't verbalize as well as she can so please tune in to her entries!
Lauren has reminded me how important it is to do the best we can to prevent this from happening to anyone else. There is no way anyone who has not suffered a concussion can understand what it is like to have one.... that is, for now (a doctor I used to see is working on a virtual experience to show how it feels). So for now the best way to teach is to share.
Through our conversations, I have been reminded how important this topic is to me. I think I was hiding from it because it's still hard for me to admit this is part of my life. My symptoms don't seem bad to me, but my shaking is starting to get to me a bit. In addition to my hands shaking, my face has been shaking and my feet have been hurting. I hope I can get into the neurologist soon. More than likely I will have long-term side effects of some sort, I have to be ok with that.
In fact, today I had such a hard time writing in class that I had to ask my professor if I could take notes on my laptop instead. Not only did my hand and wrist hurt but my handwriting was illegible. Now it has been suggested to me that I should contact disability services for accommodations... I really don't know how I feel about that.
On another note, over the weekend I contacted a representative in Ohio who is sponsoring a bill for concussion management in sports. I like the bill, there are things that are missing from it but I also don't think you can legislate everything. The funny part is that one compromise they had to make for the bill to get through the House is to not specify it has to be an orthopedic/sports med doctor to clear the athlete...
What?! Don't you get cleared for every other injury by a sports med doctor? Shouldn't you treat your brain better than any other part of your body? The lack of understanding of the importance in this issue is mind-boggling. I'm hoping to help get this bill passed through the Senate. It's not perfect but at least it's a start.
It's never over and that's ok... because this is a fight worth fighting.
Lauren has reminded me how important it is to do the best we can to prevent this from happening to anyone else. There is no way anyone who has not suffered a concussion can understand what it is like to have one.... that is, for now (a doctor I used to see is working on a virtual experience to show how it feels). So for now the best way to teach is to share.
Through our conversations, I have been reminded how important this topic is to me. I think I was hiding from it because it's still hard for me to admit this is part of my life. My symptoms don't seem bad to me, but my shaking is starting to get to me a bit. In addition to my hands shaking, my face has been shaking and my feet have been hurting. I hope I can get into the neurologist soon. More than likely I will have long-term side effects of some sort, I have to be ok with that.
In fact, today I had such a hard time writing in class that I had to ask my professor if I could take notes on my laptop instead. Not only did my hand and wrist hurt but my handwriting was illegible. Now it has been suggested to me that I should contact disability services for accommodations... I really don't know how I feel about that.
On another note, over the weekend I contacted a representative in Ohio who is sponsoring a bill for concussion management in sports. I like the bill, there are things that are missing from it but I also don't think you can legislate everything. The funny part is that one compromise they had to make for the bill to get through the House is to not specify it has to be an orthopedic/sports med doctor to clear the athlete...
What?! Don't you get cleared for every other injury by a sports med doctor? Shouldn't you treat your brain better than any other part of your body? The lack of understanding of the importance in this issue is mind-boggling. I'm hoping to help get this bill passed through the Senate. It's not perfect but at least it's a start.
It's never over and that's ok... because this is a fight worth fighting.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Apparently I've Been Busy
So apparently being a doctoral program tends to run your life... I obviously knew that would happen but boy did 7 weeks fly by!
For an update, I have been feeling much better but I did have a set back about a month ago. I was cleared to start biking so I decided to go for a walk one day with my roommate. Little did I know a 45 minute stroll around our neighborhood would cause me to relapse. The next week I had headaches every day, started having to take naps again and struggled to concentrate.
When I returned to the doctor he instructed me to discontinue working out and I had to take the next 3 weeks off. Luckily my school work has not been affected but I have had some issues staying on task when I'm not in class. Overall I really can't complain. Plus a week and a half ago I was released to try to walk or bike once again.
Shortly after I relapsed, I developed shaking in my hands that at times would extend to my chest and my head/mouth. Others can only see my hands shake but I can feel it other places and my legs are a nightmare when I try to sleep. I've also had times where my vision is blurry and I've been having some headaches again, though I have not worked out at all (walking included).
Everyone I have talked to seems to think that my shaking is due to stress and believe me, I am not discounting that as a possibility and I would love if that turns out to be true. However, I am not ready to assume that this is the case. With numerous bouts of head trauma, I feel I can't afford to attribute what I am experiencing to stress or anxiety without seeing a neurologist. I have a referral in at OSU but I've heard it will be months before I can get in. Hopefully that is not the case but luckily I've developed lots of patients over the years :)
Outside of this update, it's becoming more apparent that I will never be able to leave the concussion piece of my life behind. Each time I get focused on something else, it gets brought back into my field of vision. The other day I was looking up information on contemplative therapy and head trauma and I stumbled upon a blog written by a girl names Lauren who is going through Post Concussion Syndrome and is right in the thick of her diagnosis.
As I was reading her blog, I felt like I was reading my own life in her words. She's 26, a former soccer player and has had numerous concussions that led to a career ending injury around the age of 21. She was an undergraduate psychology major and aspired to be a sports psychologist. Creeeeeeepy... We've been conversing and it's really nice to be in contact with someone who understands what I went through and some things I continue to deal with.
I hope to have found a new friend and someone who will help me spread the word. Thank you Lauren for your postings and for sharing your story. Until next time.
For an update, I have been feeling much better but I did have a set back about a month ago. I was cleared to start biking so I decided to go for a walk one day with my roommate. Little did I know a 45 minute stroll around our neighborhood would cause me to relapse. The next week I had headaches every day, started having to take naps again and struggled to concentrate.
When I returned to the doctor he instructed me to discontinue working out and I had to take the next 3 weeks off. Luckily my school work has not been affected but I have had some issues staying on task when I'm not in class. Overall I really can't complain. Plus a week and a half ago I was released to try to walk or bike once again.
Shortly after I relapsed, I developed shaking in my hands that at times would extend to my chest and my head/mouth. Others can only see my hands shake but I can feel it other places and my legs are a nightmare when I try to sleep. I've also had times where my vision is blurry and I've been having some headaches again, though I have not worked out at all (walking included).
Everyone I have talked to seems to think that my shaking is due to stress and believe me, I am not discounting that as a possibility and I would love if that turns out to be true. However, I am not ready to assume that this is the case. With numerous bouts of head trauma, I feel I can't afford to attribute what I am experiencing to stress or anxiety without seeing a neurologist. I have a referral in at OSU but I've heard it will be months before I can get in. Hopefully that is not the case but luckily I've developed lots of patients over the years :)
Outside of this update, it's becoming more apparent that I will never be able to leave the concussion piece of my life behind. Each time I get focused on something else, it gets brought back into my field of vision. The other day I was looking up information on contemplative therapy and head trauma and I stumbled upon a blog written by a girl names Lauren who is going through Post Concussion Syndrome and is right in the thick of her diagnosis.
As I was reading her blog, I felt like I was reading my own life in her words. She's 26, a former soccer player and has had numerous concussions that led to a career ending injury around the age of 21. She was an undergraduate psychology major and aspired to be a sports psychologist. Creeeeeeepy... We've been conversing and it's really nice to be in contact with someone who understands what I went through and some things I continue to deal with.
I hope to have found a new friend and someone who will help me spread the word. Thank you Lauren for your postings and for sharing your story. Until next time.
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