Asking For Help

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. First of all, I thought I was over my pride. I lost my entire identity over 4 years ago and had to start over. There were a lot of different individuals who helped me through that process; my sports psychologist, my coach, my bosses, and Phil.

Second, why do I feel like a whiny brat when I am dealing with something abnormal? What 25 year old has difficulty holding a pen and writing? Not many, so why is it hard for me to ask for help? It seems so minimal to me, oh whoopy I'm having a writing problem boohoo... there is a lot worse going on (I know it doesn't minimize my experience but it's hard to not feel this way).

Third, if I can tell other people to ask for help and really mean it without judgment, why do I feel like people are going to judge me? I feel like my head trauma isn't my identity but it does effect me. I don't talk about it that much anymore and I just deal with it but now that it's becoming a bigger issue I almost feel like people think I'm making it up (no one has said this to me and no one said it to me before but it is just this sense I get from others).

The reality boils down to my lack of honesty with myself. I am fully aware of the multiple head traumas I have suffered, I'm even more aware of the effects that head trauma can have on an individual; however, I have not put those two together, I AM suffering from the effects of head trauma. I have tremors, I have difficult writing and gripping things, I get headaches, I have problems remembering things, and I haveissues with word finding.

I'm not embarrassed or self-conscious about these things, in fact I know people without head trauma have some of these problems, but it is important for me to make that connection. Part of the issue is that I am still high functioning, I am in a doctoral program and I am doing well thus far (we're only in the first semester so let's not go crazy!). I look normal to other people and I think I am normal, until I am reminded that my concussions may have healed (well, one is in progress) but I will more than likely deal with long-term effects.

I asked one of my professors today if it was ok that I take notes on my laptop, as I know she prefers not to have computers in her classroom, she said today it was fine but I need to get a letter from ODS (Office of Disability Services). What?! Disability Services?! It's not THAT serious, I mean geez... but as I took a step back I thought, or is it that serious?

Luckily I have a neurology appointment on Thursday. It won't be at OSU where I wanted to go because it's taking too long and I need to see someone, but I am grateful to be seeing someone and get this process started. I already have a brain MRI from March so I'm hoping that will help and maybe I won't have to get another one, but I'll do whatever they say. I just want answers... I just want a direction so I know what to expect.

The reality is that my life has been forever changed. For better? Depends on who you ask. But I'm going to do my best to make sure I use it for something good... Until next time, stay healthy!