This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. First of all, I thought I was over my pride. I lost my entire identity over 4 years ago and had to start over. There were a lot of different individuals who helped me through that process; my sports psychologist, my coach, my bosses, and Phil.
Second, why do I feel like a whiny brat when I am dealing with something abnormal? What 25 year old has difficulty holding a pen and writing? Not many, so why is it hard for me to ask for help? It seems so minimal to me, oh whoopy I'm having a writing problem boohoo... there is a lot worse going on (I know it doesn't minimize my experience but it's hard to not feel this way).
Third, if I can tell other people to ask for help and really mean it without judgment, why do I feel like people are going to judge me? I feel like my head trauma isn't my identity but it does effect me. I don't talk about it that much anymore and I just deal with it but now that it's becoming a bigger issue I almost feel like people think I'm making it up (no one has said this to me and no one said it to me before but it is just this sense I get from others).
The reality boils down to my lack of honesty with myself. I am fully aware of the multiple head traumas I have suffered, I'm even more aware of the effects that head trauma can have on an individual; however, I have not put those two together, I AM suffering from the effects of head trauma. I have tremors, I have difficult writing and gripping things, I get headaches, I have problems remembering things, and I haveissues with word finding.
I'm not embarrassed or self-conscious about these things, in fact I know people without head trauma have some of these problems, but it is important for me to make that connection. Part of the issue is that I am still high functioning, I am in a doctoral program and I am doing well thus far (we're only in the first semester so let's not go crazy!). I look normal to other people and I think I am normal, until I am reminded that my concussions may have healed (well, one is in progress) but I will more than likely deal with long-term effects.
I asked one of my professors today if it was ok that I take notes on my laptop, as I know she prefers not to have computers in her classroom, she said today it was fine but I need to get a letter from ODS (Office of Disability Services). What?! Disability Services?! It's not THAT serious, I mean geez... but as I took a step back I thought, or is it that serious?
Luckily I have a neurology appointment on Thursday. It won't be at OSU where I wanted to go because it's taking too long and I need to see someone, but I am grateful to be seeing someone and get this process started. I already have a brain MRI from March so I'm hoping that will help and maybe I won't have to get another one, but I'll do whatever they say. I just want answers... I just want a direction so I know what to expect.
The reality is that my life has been forever changed. For better? Depends on who you ask. But I'm going to do my best to make sure I use it for something good... Until next time, stay healthy!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
It's Never Over And That's OK...
The fight for spreading knowledge about head trauma is going to be an uphill battle. I've been hiding from the fact that this is something I need to be a part of. My new found friend, Lauren, writes a blog <http://lifeafterthegame.wordpress.com/> and it is fantastic. I feel like I can't verbalize as well as she can so please tune in to her entries!
Lauren has reminded me how important it is to do the best we can to prevent this from happening to anyone else. There is no way anyone who has not suffered a concussion can understand what it is like to have one.... that is, for now (a doctor I used to see is working on a virtual experience to show how it feels). So for now the best way to teach is to share.
Through our conversations, I have been reminded how important this topic is to me. I think I was hiding from it because it's still hard for me to admit this is part of my life. My symptoms don't seem bad to me, but my shaking is starting to get to me a bit. In addition to my hands shaking, my face has been shaking and my feet have been hurting. I hope I can get into the neurologist soon. More than likely I will have long-term side effects of some sort, I have to be ok with that.
In fact, today I had such a hard time writing in class that I had to ask my professor if I could take notes on my laptop instead. Not only did my hand and wrist hurt but my handwriting was illegible. Now it has been suggested to me that I should contact disability services for accommodations... I really don't know how I feel about that.
On another note, over the weekend I contacted a representative in Ohio who is sponsoring a bill for concussion management in sports. I like the bill, there are things that are missing from it but I also don't think you can legislate everything. The funny part is that one compromise they had to make for the bill to get through the House is to not specify it has to be an orthopedic/sports med doctor to clear the athlete...
What?! Don't you get cleared for every other injury by a sports med doctor? Shouldn't you treat your brain better than any other part of your body? The lack of understanding of the importance in this issue is mind-boggling. I'm hoping to help get this bill passed through the Senate. It's not perfect but at least it's a start.
It's never over and that's ok... because this is a fight worth fighting.
Lauren has reminded me how important it is to do the best we can to prevent this from happening to anyone else. There is no way anyone who has not suffered a concussion can understand what it is like to have one.... that is, for now (a doctor I used to see is working on a virtual experience to show how it feels). So for now the best way to teach is to share.
Through our conversations, I have been reminded how important this topic is to me. I think I was hiding from it because it's still hard for me to admit this is part of my life. My symptoms don't seem bad to me, but my shaking is starting to get to me a bit. In addition to my hands shaking, my face has been shaking and my feet have been hurting. I hope I can get into the neurologist soon. More than likely I will have long-term side effects of some sort, I have to be ok with that.
In fact, today I had such a hard time writing in class that I had to ask my professor if I could take notes on my laptop instead. Not only did my hand and wrist hurt but my handwriting was illegible. Now it has been suggested to me that I should contact disability services for accommodations... I really don't know how I feel about that.
On another note, over the weekend I contacted a representative in Ohio who is sponsoring a bill for concussion management in sports. I like the bill, there are things that are missing from it but I also don't think you can legislate everything. The funny part is that one compromise they had to make for the bill to get through the House is to not specify it has to be an orthopedic/sports med doctor to clear the athlete...
What?! Don't you get cleared for every other injury by a sports med doctor? Shouldn't you treat your brain better than any other part of your body? The lack of understanding of the importance in this issue is mind-boggling. I'm hoping to help get this bill passed through the Senate. It's not perfect but at least it's a start.
It's never over and that's ok... because this is a fight worth fighting.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Apparently I've Been Busy
So apparently being a doctoral program tends to run your life... I obviously knew that would happen but boy did 7 weeks fly by!
For an update, I have been feeling much better but I did have a set back about a month ago. I was cleared to start biking so I decided to go for a walk one day with my roommate. Little did I know a 45 minute stroll around our neighborhood would cause me to relapse. The next week I had headaches every day, started having to take naps again and struggled to concentrate.
When I returned to the doctor he instructed me to discontinue working out and I had to take the next 3 weeks off. Luckily my school work has not been affected but I have had some issues staying on task when I'm not in class. Overall I really can't complain. Plus a week and a half ago I was released to try to walk or bike once again.
Shortly after I relapsed, I developed shaking in my hands that at times would extend to my chest and my head/mouth. Others can only see my hands shake but I can feel it other places and my legs are a nightmare when I try to sleep. I've also had times where my vision is blurry and I've been having some headaches again, though I have not worked out at all (walking included).
Everyone I have talked to seems to think that my shaking is due to stress and believe me, I am not discounting that as a possibility and I would love if that turns out to be true. However, I am not ready to assume that this is the case. With numerous bouts of head trauma, I feel I can't afford to attribute what I am experiencing to stress or anxiety without seeing a neurologist. I have a referral in at OSU but I've heard it will be months before I can get in. Hopefully that is not the case but luckily I've developed lots of patients over the years :)
Outside of this update, it's becoming more apparent that I will never be able to leave the concussion piece of my life behind. Each time I get focused on something else, it gets brought back into my field of vision. The other day I was looking up information on contemplative therapy and head trauma and I stumbled upon a blog written by a girl names Lauren who is going through Post Concussion Syndrome and is right in the thick of her diagnosis.
As I was reading her blog, I felt like I was reading my own life in her words. She's 26, a former soccer player and has had numerous concussions that led to a career ending injury around the age of 21. She was an undergraduate psychology major and aspired to be a sports psychologist. Creeeeeeepy... We've been conversing and it's really nice to be in contact with someone who understands what I went through and some things I continue to deal with.
I hope to have found a new friend and someone who will help me spread the word. Thank you Lauren for your postings and for sharing your story. Until next time.
For an update, I have been feeling much better but I did have a set back about a month ago. I was cleared to start biking so I decided to go for a walk one day with my roommate. Little did I know a 45 minute stroll around our neighborhood would cause me to relapse. The next week I had headaches every day, started having to take naps again and struggled to concentrate.
When I returned to the doctor he instructed me to discontinue working out and I had to take the next 3 weeks off. Luckily my school work has not been affected but I have had some issues staying on task when I'm not in class. Overall I really can't complain. Plus a week and a half ago I was released to try to walk or bike once again.
Shortly after I relapsed, I developed shaking in my hands that at times would extend to my chest and my head/mouth. Others can only see my hands shake but I can feel it other places and my legs are a nightmare when I try to sleep. I've also had times where my vision is blurry and I've been having some headaches again, though I have not worked out at all (walking included).
Everyone I have talked to seems to think that my shaking is due to stress and believe me, I am not discounting that as a possibility and I would love if that turns out to be true. However, I am not ready to assume that this is the case. With numerous bouts of head trauma, I feel I can't afford to attribute what I am experiencing to stress or anxiety without seeing a neurologist. I have a referral in at OSU but I've heard it will be months before I can get in. Hopefully that is not the case but luckily I've developed lots of patients over the years :)
Outside of this update, it's becoming more apparent that I will never be able to leave the concussion piece of my life behind. Each time I get focused on something else, it gets brought back into my field of vision. The other day I was looking up information on contemplative therapy and head trauma and I stumbled upon a blog written by a girl names Lauren who is going through Post Concussion Syndrome and is right in the thick of her diagnosis.
As I was reading her blog, I felt like I was reading my own life in her words. She's 26, a former soccer player and has had numerous concussions that led to a career ending injury around the age of 21. She was an undergraduate psychology major and aspired to be a sports psychologist. Creeeeeeepy... We've been conversing and it's really nice to be in contact with someone who understands what I went through and some things I continue to deal with.
I hope to have found a new friend and someone who will help me spread the word. Thank you Lauren for your postings and for sharing your story. Until next time.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Orientation Complete
Wow! I apologize for the unintentional break in entries. Between figuring out my car situation in order to get to all of my doctor appointments, actually going to my appointments, helping my family with the kiddos, preparing to move to Dayton and attending my program's orientation, I've been a little more than swamped.
The good news is that the last doctor appointment I had my symptoms were down to single digits! Finally!!! I was released to light bike riding to begin exercising again :) I'm super excited for this big step in the right direction!!! One minor problem is that I don't have access to a bike, haha but that's ok... if I could, I'd be able to.
Orientation with my class was really fun. Our cohort consists of 19 people and we all are getting along well. Everyone seems helpful and caring so we'll see how the year goes. After these few days I'm excited but I'm also nervous about my attention/concentration capabilities.
When things get tough and I start to doubt myself, inevitably I will at some point, I have to remember how important it is that I continue down this path. Not only does there have to be more awareness and education about concussions, but it is imperative there is more research and knowledge gained about the psychological effects and proper treatments for the patients suffering from the injury.
Knowing that I am not who I was before my initial injury, that I have suffered additional injuries after my initial concussion and each has had their own impact on my life and that I understand it is difficult to self-diagnose and communicate how it feels to have a concussion... it is time to refocus my goals outside of myself and on to the concussions community.
The more prevalent concussions become, the more need for support and proper treatments there is. There will be obstacles for me to overcome, there will be challenges that may seem even more difficult for me, but I can do this. There has to be a voice in the field of psychology for head trauma, identity loss and transitional support.
It's time to diagnose the patient and then focus on the patient and not the injury. One thing I have noticed in each experience I've had is the questions that doctors ask... each question is a symptom question or a question about my concussion. Medical doctors have their approach and now it's time psychologists intervene with theirs. So, today my question is "how are YOU feeling?"
The good news is that the last doctor appointment I had my symptoms were down to single digits! Finally!!! I was released to light bike riding to begin exercising again :) I'm super excited for this big step in the right direction!!! One minor problem is that I don't have access to a bike, haha but that's ok... if I could, I'd be able to.
Orientation with my class was really fun. Our cohort consists of 19 people and we all are getting along well. Everyone seems helpful and caring so we'll see how the year goes. After these few days I'm excited but I'm also nervous about my attention/concentration capabilities.
When things get tough and I start to doubt myself, inevitably I will at some point, I have to remember how important it is that I continue down this path. Not only does there have to be more awareness and education about concussions, but it is imperative there is more research and knowledge gained about the psychological effects and proper treatments for the patients suffering from the injury.
Knowing that I am not who I was before my initial injury, that I have suffered additional injuries after my initial concussion and each has had their own impact on my life and that I understand it is difficult to self-diagnose and communicate how it feels to have a concussion... it is time to refocus my goals outside of myself and on to the concussions community.
The more prevalent concussions become, the more need for support and proper treatments there is. There will be obstacles for me to overcome, there will be challenges that may seem even more difficult for me, but I can do this. There has to be a voice in the field of psychology for head trauma, identity loss and transitional support.
It's time to diagnose the patient and then focus on the patient and not the injury. One thing I have noticed in each experience I've had is the questions that doctors ask... each question is a symptom question or a question about my concussion. Medical doctors have their approach and now it's time psychologists intervene with theirs. So, today my question is "how are YOU feeling?"
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
And I'm Back!
Okay, so maybe not 100% but I'm getting there. I met with my adviser at Wright State yesterday and she was awesome! She made me feel very comfortable and that the faculty is ready and willing to help us succeed as students.
The best thing she said was. "The selection process is over. You're in and once you're in, we want you to do well and succeed." Boy was that nice to hear! Not that I thought they wouldn't want me to succeed but I never really thought about it.
Then I met with another professor who got me all excited about the ideas that I'm having. He was building off of my interests and the direction I would like to go in a way that made me feel like I was definitely in the right place. I am feeling so confident with this choice for school.
As much as I hate medicine, I also know when is enough. I was on an emotional roller coaster where regulating myself was causing me to really become down and have difficulty functioning. So I decided to have an impromptu doctor appointment and he started me on Celexa.
My goal is for this to be short term to help me through the final stages of healing in addition to starting school soon. At first I was extremely resistant to the thought until a good friend of mine put it in perspective. He said that there is no reason for me to live in a state of struggle, especially trying to handle so much at once, if there is a way to subside it until I'm better.
Having to deal with the health issues of my family lately, in addition to mine, starting school and trying to heal while getting everything done... the last thing I want to do is worry about freaking out on someone for no reason so, in addition to counseling, I am going to use medicinal intervention for the short term.
I still have my moments, I am still working through things but I am handling it much better. My headaches are frequent but less intense more often then not. Being positive now is a lot easier, seeing when I'm irritable is easier for me to identify so I can express that to others before there is conflict.
I start orientation next week and classes the week after so we'll see how it goes!! My adviser said they will be more than willing to work with me if I am struggling to keep up or if I feel overwhelmed. She stressed the importance of communication so at least I am attending a school where they understand that we are all human and have different struggles sometime.
Hopefully I will just show up and do wonderful so it won't matter :) Ready to get started!!!!
The best thing she said was. "The selection process is over. You're in and once you're in, we want you to do well and succeed." Boy was that nice to hear! Not that I thought they wouldn't want me to succeed but I never really thought about it.
Then I met with another professor who got me all excited about the ideas that I'm having. He was building off of my interests and the direction I would like to go in a way that made me feel like I was definitely in the right place. I am feeling so confident with this choice for school.
As much as I hate medicine, I also know when is enough. I was on an emotional roller coaster where regulating myself was causing me to really become down and have difficulty functioning. So I decided to have an impromptu doctor appointment and he started me on Celexa.
My goal is for this to be short term to help me through the final stages of healing in addition to starting school soon. At first I was extremely resistant to the thought until a good friend of mine put it in perspective. He said that there is no reason for me to live in a state of struggle, especially trying to handle so much at once, if there is a way to subside it until I'm better.
Having to deal with the health issues of my family lately, in addition to mine, starting school and trying to heal while getting everything done... the last thing I want to do is worry about freaking out on someone for no reason so, in addition to counseling, I am going to use medicinal intervention for the short term.
I still have my moments, I am still working through things but I am handling it much better. My headaches are frequent but less intense more often then not. Being positive now is a lot easier, seeing when I'm irritable is easier for me to identify so I can express that to others before there is conflict.
I start orientation next week and classes the week after so we'll see how it goes!! My adviser said they will be more than willing to work with me if I am struggling to keep up or if I feel overwhelmed. She stressed the importance of communication so at least I am attending a school where they understand that we are all human and have different struggles sometime.
Hopefully I will just show up and do wonderful so it won't matter :) Ready to get started!!!!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
What's Important
Today is cracking me up. This morning I was fine then I was convinced my world was ending for about an hour when my head was throbbing and I could barely move. But as the day has gone on I have been more productive. I got my renter's insurance (which I have to have by Friday, way to put it off! lol), I'm ordering my textbooks, making a to do list for before school starts, and car shopping.
As far as I'm concerned, this has been an up and down day but I am cherishing the up moments a lot! My mom is going to let me borrow her car tomorrow AND Friday so I can go to the doctor and go see my new apartment!! :)
I haven't seen my apartment yet, I know it is old and going to be out dated but I'm just excited to make the first step for school. The wait has been scary and unnerving at times but when I really think about it, I'm really excited. I'm not a quitter, I am strong and confident. Everyone has their moments and sure I've had a fair share of my own, but here I am taking this challenge head on.
Recently I've had a reminder of what is important and that worrying adds nothing to my life...
My friend Austen who was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma around the same time I was dealing with my first bout of concussions in college, has the best attitude about life. I am going to begin to strive to be like her. To appreciate what I have, the time I am here and to inspire others along the way.
This past week she was taken off life support and now her family and friends are on her time until she becomes our heavenly angel. During her time here she lit a spark in everyone she met. She always had a smile on her face, a funny story or joke to tell and an encouraging word when it was needed.
During my junior year at Miami when I was finally a starter, I was on an aspiring regimen and developed an ulcer. At first we thought I might have mono so I had to go to the ER the morning of the day we were leaving to go play Virginia Tech.
Once the doctors confirmed it wasn't my spleen, I was released and my coaches had arranged for me to fly out later that night so I could meet the team. When we travelled we only took a certain amount of people and luckily for me Austen wasn't coming this time.
Not only did she stay by my side in the hospital almost all day without being asked to, she skipped her classes and made sure to get me to the airport on time for my flight. Her and I were teammates before but that's when we really became friends.
She's so incredible and such an example of selflessness. I couldn't believe she was doing all of that for me and I'm not sure I ever really expressed my gratitude to her for being there when I needed someone, no questions asked and expecting nothing in return.
When I was dealing with my concussions and she was diagnosed with cancer, we used to joke about how I couldn't play my senior year because of my injury but she was out there after her chemo treatments were done. What was wrong with me? lol, she always made me laugh and would make me feel completely valid about how I was feeling sad, pissed off and isolated.
I expressed to her that I was frustrated I was complaining and she had cancer. She would tell me that what was going on with her didn't minimize what I was going through. We were both fighting our own battles.
Today, I'm remembering her smile, her laugh, her carefree spirit, her courage, her strength and her perseverance. Cancer may have won this battle but Austen will be in eternity as our guardian angel. When days are tough and I'm feeling down I hope I can be as strong as she has always been.
Austen, thank you isn't enough but it is all that I have. Thank you for the memories, thank you for being so loving and caring. Your strength and courage mirror your radiant beauty we all were undeservingly graced with. Though our time with you was limited, you will continue to touch lives reaching beyond anything we can imagine. The way you carried yourself and lived your life serves as the best reminder of what is important. You were a prime example of true love, joy, happiness, care, empathy and selflessness. You remind us all what is most important. Austen, you will forever live in my heart serving as a constant reminder of how precious life is and how one person can impact so many people in such a short time. When your body is finally at peace, we will rejoice for the heavens will have an angel back home. Thank you, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again someday.
As far as I'm concerned, this has been an up and down day but I am cherishing the up moments a lot! My mom is going to let me borrow her car tomorrow AND Friday so I can go to the doctor and go see my new apartment!! :)
I haven't seen my apartment yet, I know it is old and going to be out dated but I'm just excited to make the first step for school. The wait has been scary and unnerving at times but when I really think about it, I'm really excited. I'm not a quitter, I am strong and confident. Everyone has their moments and sure I've had a fair share of my own, but here I am taking this challenge head on.
Recently I've had a reminder of what is important and that worrying adds nothing to my life...
My friend Austen who was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma around the same time I was dealing with my first bout of concussions in college, has the best attitude about life. I am going to begin to strive to be like her. To appreciate what I have, the time I am here and to inspire others along the way.
This past week she was taken off life support and now her family and friends are on her time until she becomes our heavenly angel. During her time here she lit a spark in everyone she met. She always had a smile on her face, a funny story or joke to tell and an encouraging word when it was needed.
During my junior year at Miami when I was finally a starter, I was on an aspiring regimen and developed an ulcer. At first we thought I might have mono so I had to go to the ER the morning of the day we were leaving to go play Virginia Tech.
Once the doctors confirmed it wasn't my spleen, I was released and my coaches had arranged for me to fly out later that night so I could meet the team. When we travelled we only took a certain amount of people and luckily for me Austen wasn't coming this time.
Not only did she stay by my side in the hospital almost all day without being asked to, she skipped her classes and made sure to get me to the airport on time for my flight. Her and I were teammates before but that's when we really became friends.
She's so incredible and such an example of selflessness. I couldn't believe she was doing all of that for me and I'm not sure I ever really expressed my gratitude to her for being there when I needed someone, no questions asked and expecting nothing in return.
When I was dealing with my concussions and she was diagnosed with cancer, we used to joke about how I couldn't play my senior year because of my injury but she was out there after her chemo treatments were done. What was wrong with me? lol, she always made me laugh and would make me feel completely valid about how I was feeling sad, pissed off and isolated.
I expressed to her that I was frustrated I was complaining and she had cancer. She would tell me that what was going on with her didn't minimize what I was going through. We were both fighting our own battles.
Today, I'm remembering her smile, her laugh, her carefree spirit, her courage, her strength and her perseverance. Cancer may have won this battle but Austen will be in eternity as our guardian angel. When days are tough and I'm feeling down I hope I can be as strong as she has always been.
Austen, thank you isn't enough but it is all that I have. Thank you for the memories, thank you for being so loving and caring. Your strength and courage mirror your radiant beauty we all were undeservingly graced with. Though our time with you was limited, you will continue to touch lives reaching beyond anything we can imagine. The way you carried yourself and lived your life serves as the best reminder of what is important. You were a prime example of true love, joy, happiness, care, empathy and selflessness. You remind us all what is most important. Austen, you will forever live in my heart serving as a constant reminder of how precious life is and how one person can impact so many people in such a short time. When your body is finally at peace, we will rejoice for the heavens will have an angel back home. Thank you, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again someday.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Facing Reality
Cycling through this concussion recovery again has been rather inconvenient to say the least! I'm now at the hopelessness stage. Feeling sad a lot, thinking irrationally about my ability to heal and succeed and feeling as though I am incapable of doing much, if anything.
This past week I was in Texas visiting friends and I had a good time. Traveling that far was very difficult on my head and my back. I definitely think it was worth it though because I needed to get out of here for a while. With so much going on with my family and getting ready for school, I was starting to get cabin fever being so limited.
Ironically, when I was getting ready to head back yesterday, I began to feel very intense anxiety. Leaving a quiet farm in Texas with good friends to come back to the craziness that has been going on this summer, not having a car, not having a job or income, going to and from doctor appointments, keeping track of my symptoms and on and on it goes.
Facing reality can be very intimidating to anyone, but with a concussion it just makes everything that much harder. Thinking about going back to school, the worries about memory problems and learning difficulties enter my mind. Will I be able to keep up? Will I remember assignments and presentations and practicum times? There are so many things to keep track of...
The reality is I am moving an hour away from my biggest support, Phil. It scares the crap out of me to think I am not going to see him everyday or have him there if I am struggling through something. Yes, he is a phone call or short drive away but it's not the same as having the comfort of coming home to him every day.
Everything inside of me is terrified I can't do this and I will fail. These thoughts keep running through my head of doubt and fear and frustration. I know they are irrational, I know the basis of these thoughts are longing for control and knowing what will happen. But that doesn't change that I am having such a difficult time staying positive, staying focused on what matters and not being derailed by irrational fears.
My mom asked me today how I was doing and I simply said, "Not that great." Because I'm not. I have everything around me that would make me happy and I'm just not doing that great. In fact, because I have so much love and support around me at times I feel guilty about not feeling excitement, happiness and love like I should.
This is something that I will just have to work through, and I will. It's hard to stay positive, I try to do it but it's harder some times than others. Luckily I have people around me that are keeping my head attached and help bring my emotions back down when I need it most... Jeremiah 29:11
This past week I was in Texas visiting friends and I had a good time. Traveling that far was very difficult on my head and my back. I definitely think it was worth it though because I needed to get out of here for a while. With so much going on with my family and getting ready for school, I was starting to get cabin fever being so limited.
Ironically, when I was getting ready to head back yesterday, I began to feel very intense anxiety. Leaving a quiet farm in Texas with good friends to come back to the craziness that has been going on this summer, not having a car, not having a job or income, going to and from doctor appointments, keeping track of my symptoms and on and on it goes.
Facing reality can be very intimidating to anyone, but with a concussion it just makes everything that much harder. Thinking about going back to school, the worries about memory problems and learning difficulties enter my mind. Will I be able to keep up? Will I remember assignments and presentations and practicum times? There are so many things to keep track of...
The reality is I am moving an hour away from my biggest support, Phil. It scares the crap out of me to think I am not going to see him everyday or have him there if I am struggling through something. Yes, he is a phone call or short drive away but it's not the same as having the comfort of coming home to him every day.
Everything inside of me is terrified I can't do this and I will fail. These thoughts keep running through my head of doubt and fear and frustration. I know they are irrational, I know the basis of these thoughts are longing for control and knowing what will happen. But that doesn't change that I am having such a difficult time staying positive, staying focused on what matters and not being derailed by irrational fears.
My mom asked me today how I was doing and I simply said, "Not that great." Because I'm not. I have everything around me that would make me happy and I'm just not doing that great. In fact, because I have so much love and support around me at times I feel guilty about not feeling excitement, happiness and love like I should.
This is something that I will just have to work through, and I will. It's hard to stay positive, I try to do it but it's harder some times than others. Luckily I have people around me that are keeping my head attached and help bring my emotions back down when I need it most... Jeremiah 29:11
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