Facing Reality

Cycling through this concussion recovery again has been rather inconvenient to say the least! I'm now at the hopelessness stage. Feeling sad a lot, thinking irrationally about my ability to heal and succeed and feeling as though I am incapable of doing much, if anything.

This past week I was in Texas visiting friends and I had a good time. Traveling that far was very difficult on my head and my back. I definitely think it was worth it though because I needed to get out of here for a while. With so much going on with my family and getting ready for school, I was starting to get cabin fever being so limited.

Ironically, when I was getting ready to head back yesterday, I began to feel very intense anxiety. Leaving a quiet farm in Texas with good friends to come back to the craziness that has been going on this summer, not having a car, not having a job or income, going to and from doctor appointments, keeping track of my symptoms and on and on it goes.

Facing reality can be very intimidating to anyone, but with a concussion it just makes everything that much harder. Thinking about going back to school, the worries about memory problems and learning difficulties enter my mind. Will I be able to keep up? Will I remember assignments and presentations and practicum times? There are so many things to keep track of...

The reality is I am moving an hour away from my biggest support, Phil. It scares the crap out of me to think I am not going to see him everyday or have him there if I am struggling through something. Yes, he is a phone call or short drive away but it's not the same as having the comfort of coming home to him every day.

Everything inside of me is terrified I can't do this and I will fail. These thoughts keep running through my head of doubt and fear and frustration. I know they are irrational, I know the basis of these thoughts are longing for control and knowing what will happen. But that doesn't change that I am having such a difficult time staying positive, staying focused on what matters and not being derailed by irrational fears.

My mom asked me today how I was doing and I simply said, "Not that great." Because I'm not. I have everything around me that would make me happy and I'm just not doing that great. In fact, because I have so much love and support around me at times I feel guilty about not feeling excitement, happiness and love like I should.

This is something that I will just have to work through, and I will. It's hard to stay positive, I try to do it but it's harder some times than others. Luckily I have people around me that are keeping my head attached and help bring my emotions back down when I need it most... Jeremiah 29:11