Orientation Complete

Wow! I apologize for the unintentional break in entries. Between figuring out my car situation in order to get to all of my doctor appointments, actually going to my appointments, helping my family with the kiddos, preparing to move to Dayton and attending my program's orientation, I've been a little more than swamped.

The good news is that the last doctor appointment I had my symptoms were down to single digits! Finally!!! I was released to light bike riding to begin exercising again :) I'm super excited for this big step in the right direction!!! One minor problem is that I don't have access to a bike, haha but that's ok... if I could, I'd be able to.

Orientation with my class was really fun. Our cohort consists of 19 people and we all are getting along well. Everyone seems helpful and caring so we'll see how the year goes. After these few days I'm excited but I'm also nervous about my attention/concentration capabilities.

When things get tough and I start to doubt myself, inevitably I will at some point, I have to remember how important it is that I continue down this path. Not only does there have to be more awareness and education about concussions, but it is imperative there is more research and knowledge gained about the psychological effects and proper treatments for the patients suffering from the injury.

Knowing that I am not who I was before my initial injury, that I have suffered additional injuries after my initial concussion and each has had their own impact on my life and that I understand it is difficult to self-diagnose and communicate how it feels to have a concussion... it is time to refocus my goals outside of myself and on to the concussions community.

The more prevalent concussions become, the more need for support and proper treatments there is. There will be obstacles for me to overcome, there will be challenges that may seem even more difficult for me, but I can do this. There has to be a voice in the field of psychology for head trauma, identity loss and transitional support.

It's time to diagnose the patient and then focus on the patient and not the injury. One thing I have noticed in each experience I've had is the questions that doctors ask... each question is a symptom question or a question about my concussion. Medical doctors have their approach and now it's time psychologists intervene with theirs. So, today my question is "how are YOU feeling?"

And I'm Back!

Okay, so maybe not 100% but I'm getting there. I met with my adviser at Wright State yesterday and she was awesome! She made me feel very comfortable and that the faculty is ready and willing to help us succeed as students.

The best thing she said was. "The selection process is over. You're in and once you're in, we want you to do well and succeed." Boy was that nice to hear! Not that I thought they wouldn't want me to succeed but I never really thought about it.

Then I met with another professor who got me all excited about the ideas that I'm having. He was building off of my interests and the direction I would like to go in a way that made me feel like I was definitely in the right place. I am feeling so confident with this choice for school.

As much as I hate medicine, I also know when is enough. I was on an emotional roller coaster where regulating myself was causing me to really become down and have difficulty functioning. So I decided to have an impromptu doctor appointment and he started me on Celexa.

My goal is for this to be short term to help me through the final stages of healing in addition to starting school soon. At first I was extremely resistant to the thought until a good friend of mine put it in perspective. He said that there is no reason for me to live in a state of struggle, especially trying to handle so much at once, if there is a way to subside it until I'm better.

Having to deal with the health issues of my family lately, in addition to mine, starting school and trying to heal while getting everything done... the last thing I want to do is worry about freaking out on someone for no reason so, in addition to counseling, I am going to use medicinal intervention for the short term.

I still have my moments, I am still working through things but I am handling it much better. My headaches are frequent but less intense more often then not. Being positive now is a lot easier, seeing when I'm irritable is easier for me to identify so I can express that to others before there is conflict.

I start orientation next week and classes the week after so we'll see how it goes!! My adviser said they will be more than willing to work with me if I am struggling to keep up or if I feel overwhelmed. She stressed the importance of communication so at least I am attending a school where they understand that we are all human and have different struggles sometime.

Hopefully I will just show up and do wonderful so it won't matter :) Ready to get started!!!!

What's Important

Today is cracking me up. This morning I was fine then I was convinced my world was ending for about an hour when my head was throbbing and I could barely move. But as the day has gone on I have been more productive. I got my renter's insurance (which I have to have by Friday, way to put it off! lol), I'm ordering my textbooks, making a to do list for before school starts, and car shopping.

As far as I'm concerned, this has been an up and down day but I am cherishing the up moments a lot! My mom is going to let me borrow her car tomorrow AND Friday so I can go to the doctor and go see my new apartment!! :)

I haven't seen my apartment yet, I know it is old and going to be out dated but I'm just excited to make the first step for school. The wait has been scary and unnerving at times but when I really think about it, I'm really excited. I'm not a quitter, I am strong and confident. Everyone has their moments and sure I've had a fair share of my own, but here I am taking this challenge head on.

Recently I've had a reminder of what is important and that worrying adds nothing to my life...

My friend Austen who was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma around the same time I was dealing with my first bout of concussions in college, has the best attitude about life. I am going to begin to strive to be like her. To appreciate what I have, the time I am here and to inspire others along the way.

This past week she was taken off life support and now her family and friends are on her time until she becomes our heavenly angel. During her time here she lit a spark in everyone she met. She always had a smile on her face, a funny story or joke to tell and an encouraging word when it was needed.

During my junior year at Miami when I was finally a starter, I was on an aspiring regimen and developed an ulcer. At first we thought I might have mono so I had to go to the ER the morning of the day we were leaving to go play Virginia Tech.

Once the doctors confirmed it wasn't my spleen, I was released and my coaches had arranged for me to fly out later that night so I could meet the team. When we travelled we only took a certain amount of people and luckily for me Austen wasn't coming this time.

Not only did she stay by my side in the hospital almost all day without being asked to, she skipped her classes and made sure to get me to the airport on time for my flight. Her and I were teammates before but that's when we really became friends.

She's so incredible and such an example of selflessness. I couldn't believe she was doing all of that for me and I'm not sure I ever really expressed my gratitude to her for being there when I needed someone, no questions asked and expecting nothing in return.

When I was dealing with my concussions and she was diagnosed with cancer, we used to joke about how I couldn't play my senior year because of my injury but she was out there after her chemo treatments were done. What was wrong with me? lol, she always made me laugh and would make me feel completely valid about how I was feeling sad, pissed off and isolated.

I expressed to her that I was frustrated I was complaining and she had cancer. She would tell me that what was going on with her didn't minimize what I was going through. We were both fighting our own battles.

Today, I'm remembering her smile, her laugh, her carefree spirit, her courage, her strength and her perseverance. Cancer may have won this battle but Austen will be in eternity as our guardian angel. When days are tough and I'm feeling down I hope I can be as strong as she has always been.

Austen, thank you isn't enough but it is all that I have. Thank you for the memories, thank you for being so loving and caring. Your strength and courage mirror your radiant beauty we all were undeservingly graced with. Though our time with you was limited, you will continue to touch lives reaching beyond anything we can imagine. The way you carried yourself and lived your life serves as the best reminder of what is important. You were a prime example of true love, joy, happiness, care, empathy and selflessness. You remind us all what is most important. Austen, you will forever live in my heart serving as a constant reminder of how precious life is and how one person can impact so many people in such a short time. When your body is finally at peace, we will rejoice for the heavens will have an angel back home. Thank you, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again someday.

Facing Reality

Cycling through this concussion recovery again has been rather inconvenient to say the least! I'm now at the hopelessness stage. Feeling sad a lot, thinking irrationally about my ability to heal and succeed and feeling as though I am incapable of doing much, if anything.

This past week I was in Texas visiting friends and I had a good time. Traveling that far was very difficult on my head and my back. I definitely think it was worth it though because I needed to get out of here for a while. With so much going on with my family and getting ready for school, I was starting to get cabin fever being so limited.

Ironically, when I was getting ready to head back yesterday, I began to feel very intense anxiety. Leaving a quiet farm in Texas with good friends to come back to the craziness that has been going on this summer, not having a car, not having a job or income, going to and from doctor appointments, keeping track of my symptoms and on and on it goes.

Facing reality can be very intimidating to anyone, but with a concussion it just makes everything that much harder. Thinking about going back to school, the worries about memory problems and learning difficulties enter my mind. Will I be able to keep up? Will I remember assignments and presentations and practicum times? There are so many things to keep track of...

The reality is I am moving an hour away from my biggest support, Phil. It scares the crap out of me to think I am not going to see him everyday or have him there if I am struggling through something. Yes, he is a phone call or short drive away but it's not the same as having the comfort of coming home to him every day.

Everything inside of me is terrified I can't do this and I will fail. These thoughts keep running through my head of doubt and fear and frustration. I know they are irrational, I know the basis of these thoughts are longing for control and knowing what will happen. But that doesn't change that I am having such a difficult time staying positive, staying focused on what matters and not being derailed by irrational fears.

My mom asked me today how I was doing and I simply said, "Not that great." Because I'm not. I have everything around me that would make me happy and I'm just not doing that great. In fact, because I have so much love and support around me at times I feel guilty about not feeling excitement, happiness and love like I should.

This is something that I will just have to work through, and I will. It's hard to stay positive, I try to do it but it's harder some times than others. Luckily I have people around me that are keeping my head attached and help bring my emotions back down when I need it most... Jeremiah 29:11

2 weeks!

After my check up with the doctor today, I found out I can wait 2 weeks before coming back :) For just over a month now it has been monday-thursday of some sort of doctor appointment. Now I at least get next Wednesday off! It's the little things, lol.

I was talking to my mom this morning and she was asking me how i was doing. She apologized that I have been in the background since my sister has been in the ICU and both of my sisters have babies in the NICU. I told it was ok but she disagreed and insisted on talking about how I was doing, which I genuinely appreciated.

It was nice to be able to tell my mom that I am not doing that great. I'm really not doing poorly but in all reality, I'm not doing great either. It's crunch time before my program starts and daily it seems I am getting an email about something new that I need to do: get student liability insurance, renter's insurance, meet with my adviser, meet with another professor, join this organization, check your billing statement, etc.

All of this is exciting but it's also overwhelming. I can't even think of every word I want to say in a sentence sometimes! Walking through a supply store today, I was trying to take a mental inventory of things I need to purchase. Then it dawns on me, I don't have any money... I have to buy a car.

Move in date for my apartment is next week... How am I going to get there? How am I going to get home? How am I going to get my stuff there? Will I have to rely on my roommate to take me to school? When do I schedule these meetings, will I even have transportation?

Extra stress that is not necessary. I always appreciated having a car, but this is showing me just how much freedom I lost in that accident. I feel like crying at the thought of spending money on a car, while I need other things for school. I don't want to rely on a loan the entirety of my program but how do I get a job without a car?

All of this is adding to the issues I'm having from my concussion. The doctor doesn't think I need to keep track of daily symptoms anymore, which is great! However, I still can't run or play sports, no sort of working out. I can continue to try to read and increase my mental stimulation. Right now? I have a headache.

I apologize if I seem whiny. It may seem as though I live in a bubble where I think only my life is difficult. Trust me, that is not the case. I am very aware of how difficult my life isn't, about how lucky I am to be where I am and how much worse it could be. The fact of the matter is, that doesn't change that I am frustrated, it doesn't change that things stink right now and I don't find fault in admitting that.

In order to get better, I need to deal with my reality. My reality is that I need to be ready for my program to start in 26 days even though I'm still struggling with concussion symptoms. I do not have a car at the moment, nor do I have an income. This is ok. This is where I am and it won't always be this way.

But for now, I am giving myself permission to be frustrated, annoyed, irritated and a little concerned. As long as I keep my head about me, stay focused on the goal and take my days moment to moment, I will come out on the other side of this having learned more about myself and the strength I still have in me.

I'm glad I have this outlet. It is much easier to get this out than keep it in all the time. I hate discussing this with people I know because it must get so annoying to hear everyday that I have a headache... trust me, it's more annoying to have the headache ;)

Staying strong and staying focused on what matters.

Moment to moment...