Headache

Literally, today I have a really bad headache! But I'm more referring to this stupid car situation.

Tomorrow I have to return my rental car and rely on my sister to get me to my afternoon appointment. This is getting OLD. I'm really sick of going to the doctor but I know that isn't going away any time soon.

I'm suppose to go to Texas on Thursday and I really can't wait!! Being able to see the Fuller family again will be so fun :) My old boss and his family moved down to Texas a few years ago so it's been a while since I've been able to see them. I'm nervous because I am so close to going to school that if something happens while I'm down there, it could be detrimental to my success in school.

Based on the headache I have today, I'm not going to be allowed to do anything still anyway... but what the heck? I have to get a car and move so don't I deserve a vacation beforehand?

The lady across the street hasn't gotten back to us about selling her car, I'm nervous she isn't going to do it and then what? I do not trust car dealerships, especially with my price range because they cheaper they are I feel like the more that is wrong with the car.

My car was so great. What an annoying situation to be in. Seriously. My car could've lasted at least 2 years of graduate school or more... now I have this extra expense and I am trying to take it in stride but sometimes it's hard. Thinking about all the money I am pouring into school and now I have to get a new car.

We just got an email a few days ago that we have to get Liability Insurance before school starts... thanks for the 2 week notice, grrrrr. Hopefully the AAPB has their own so I don't have to join another organization just to get the insurance. Always a hidden fee!

My head hurts really bad today. I mean REALLY bad. I should be resting, in fact, I think I will go rest.

Today is a baddddddddddddddd headache day, but I'm still smiling :)

Life is good!!!!!!!!!!

Roller Coaster Ride

Woah! I had a really good few days this past week. Not only was my attitude good and my temper fuse longer but my headache was less intense and sometimes even gone :)

I should've known that there would be a time when I would struggle again. The reality is I am not 100% yet so there will be days that things aren't so great.

My day today has been a roller coaster. Church was awesome this morning, I was in a good mood, Phil was with me and the message was great! We went to the grocery store and planned on cleaning when we got home. Unfortunately, half way through my headache began to come on pretty strong, I started to feel fatigued and I just wanted to lay down.

Luckily, Phil was understanding so he went for a run so I could take a nap. When he got home I was sleeping and he began to clean. I felt guilty so I got up and started to help, bad idea. My patience were short and I began to get really hot and annoyed.

I was irritated that I was cleaning and that I didn't feel well so I started yelling at Phil about how to clean and why the cleaning supplies wasn't where I wanted them to be... What?! Who does that? So I removed myself from the situation and went for a walk, got a coffee and some sandwiches for lunch and came back.

Fortunately, Phil is extremely understanding, accepted my apology and thanked me for getting lunch for later. We finished cleaning together and are finally relaxing.

It was amazing though, when I got so annoyed. I got an update on my sister during my cleaning break as well and she is back in the ICU. It's crazy how quickly I started to feel everything spiraling out of control. How fast I became frustrated and down, feeling like nothing was ever going to be normal again.

I took 3 deep breaths, as Leah and I discussed for such moments, and began to feel better as I walked and took a break. It's frustrating that the sun hurts my eyes so bad because I need some sun, I think that's some of my attitude problem.

This whole having a concussion thing is confusing but I'm trying to take it one moment at a time. Trust me, some of the moments are really funny! I say a lot of incorrect references lately, I pause a lot to let me thoughts catch up with my mouth and at times I insert an incorrect word or phrase. For instance, bare and grin it is my new saying :)

During the opening ceremony for the Olympics I was trying to reference A Christmas Carol and, instead said A Nightmare Before Christmas... haha! Definitely, NOT the same lol, but what do you do? I have to laugh because there is nothing I can do except rest and try to get better. Might as well be able to laugh at myself along the way.

I'm actually really happy to be watching the Olympics. I'm glad where I am in my life and I am excited for school to start. I really am beginning to feel hope for the future, for success, for my health and perseverance. I am strong and I just have to remember that I am going through this now for a greater purpose later :)

Moment to moment. Right now, this moment is pretty good and for that I am grateful.

Smile

Be in the moment. Don't let it pass you by, you won't experience it again. Each moment I am reminding myself that this accident happened for a reason and I'm beginning to feel some clarity as to why. Reworking how I look at situations...

I am frustrated because I want to do something different than what I am allowed right now. I want to be able to run around, play soccer, study my online course and make headway into my future. I feel like not doing that now is setting me back. The problem here is all of these "I" statements.

God's plan is at work here, not mine. Eventually I will be able to run, play soccer, lift, workout, study, be social and anything else I decide I want to do. But not right now. Right now, I need to spend my time reorganizing my thoughts, remembering that I am fortunate that I will return to normal and let go of what I wish would be and accept what is.

The Women's National Soccer Team plays France today at noon and I am excited for my friends who are taking them on. I will forever long to be a part of such an amazing team and event. My journey may not lead there but that doesn't mean I can't be happy for those who are fortunate enough to end up there.

My path is uncertain in terms of where I will end up but I will be in the moment and not rule anything out. I could go through my doctoral program and come out working with athletes with concussions or inmates in prison or work with the army or professional sports teams or any other population I may not even know about yet.

Maybe I'll be a doctor, coach, wife, mom, volunteer and whatever other title I pick up along the way. There is so much being offered in this life that I need to smile and remember to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I wish I could do.

Sometimes I think maybe I could play soccer again but this concussion seems to be telling me perhaps that's something I should let be. There are things that people push through and I'm sure I could push through this, but I don't want cognitive impairment or any type of dementia. Not that it is guaranteed with concussions but if it ups my chances, maybe I should take it easy.

It's ok to think about what could've been but not at the expense of appreciating what is. My life consists of a very tight-knit family who is there for each other no matter what. I will start a doctoral program soon and have been offered a way to be involved in a college women's soccer program. My friends are incredible and I've gotten close to a lot of Phil's friends who are amazing.

And Phil. I can't describe Phil. He holds it all together. No matter what is going on, he is here. I have never been able to count on someone more than I know I can count on him. He is appreciative and complementary. He has my best interest in mind and supports me in any dream I have. As much as Hollywood tries to portray the perfect relationship, they didn't come close to what Phil and I have. I will never take this for granted and I can never express enough how grateful I am to have him.

Circumstances do not define me, my faith in God defines me. I really need to start showing that I know God will take care of me. I know I'm resting in the palm of God's hand. Taking things one day at a time can seem daunting, so I am going to live in the moment and SMILE. Attitude is half of the battle.

Remember that you are not alone.

"Footprints in the Sand"

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

Sitting Around

It's amazing how only a little bit of activity can cause so much turmoil on my body. Last night my church was handing out backpacks and school supplies to low income families, I really needed to get out of the house so I decided to go.

I ran into a friend who goes to my church and has concussion issues as well. She is 15 months into her journey (poor thing). We ended up chatting for almost and hour and a half. I began to feel pretty crummy so I decided to come home. Needless to say I slept 10-11 hours last night and took almost a 2 hour nap today.

Not only have I been trying to figure out how to rest as much as possible but now my sister is back in the ICU with a low hemoglobin level. Before I went to see her I had to go to the Chiropractor and they informed me that I couldn't have my massage today because they have to talk to my lawyer. This made me really upset because a big part of my headaches is tension, I know it is and the massages help a lot.

I couldn't take it. Not one more thing to frustrate me so I broke down and began to cry. A really nice older lady stopped to ask me if I was ok and if she could help, she was super sweet. I wish there was something she could've done but really her asking was enough to make me smile. So sweet.

Visiting my sister in the hospital is getting really old, I can't imagine how she feels. Her poor 9 year old doesn't quite understand everything that is going on because we don't necessarily understand it all. She misses her mommy and there is really nothing we can do about it right now. She asked her mom today if her mom was going to die. Heartbreaking.

There is so much going on right now, still. I just feel like I am helpless. There is nothing that can be done for me and we can't do anything for my sister. Essentially they are saying she is having an allergic reaction to a medication they gave her and her white blood cells began to attack her red blood cells. They took her off the medication but it could take up to a week before the medication is our of her system.

Meanwhile her newborn may be ready to go home before she is out of the ICU... then what? My poor parents are going through so much right now. I know they will be happy to take the baby home but it definitely won't make anything easier.

My emotions are out of control. Phil has been instrumental in keeping me in one piece. Being separated from the world is difficult. I'm only connected via the internet and even then I'm not plugged in often.

I got an email from my big sis of my graduate program and it sounds like we will be a great fit. She's into sports, plays soccer, is beginning her 2nd year of the SOPP program and is interested in sports psychology. She was asking me if I'm excited yet...

It's hard to answer that. Sometimes I am, other times I'm not and other times I'm indifferent. I know this is something I want to do in my head but right now there is so much going on it's the last thing on my mind. I literally can't handle anything else swirling around in my head.

My thoughts race about everything and I can't keep from going to a dark place on everything. Thinking I'll fail my program, Phil will leave me, my sister isn't going to get better... it's driving me insane! I know these are irrational thoughts but I can't control them. It's a constant dialogue to keep myself in check. I'm exhausted.

When I was speaking with my friend who also has a concussion, she said she feels the same way. The only way to describe it is that we feel "crazy". Not in a derogatory sense or poking fun at psychosis by any means, but "crazy" in a sense that we can't think of any other way to describe it.

I just hope I can start gaining some more control of my emotions and thoughts. Doing my breathing and resting is all I can do, but there has to be a balance because being inside all the time is making me so depressed and anxious about everything... I just keep telling myself "It will get better"... Man, I hope so...

Negative Nancy

Holy Cow! Yesterday was bad wasn't it?! I just went to church at Rock City in downtown Columbus. Today was One on One with James Laurinaitis. It was a pretty cool experience and a little reminder to me that just because I can't do what I want to do doesn't mean the path I'm on is leading nowhere.

I know I am not in control in general but I think when it is as blatantly obvious as it has been lately, it becomes hard for me to focus on much else. Instead of looking around me and pointing at everyone else, I need to be taking an inventory on myself. Being honest with me.

School may sound scary right now but that doesn't mean it isn't something that I can do. I may be questioning a lot of things but that doesn't mean these things are bad or that I need to pick up and run away from it all. I'm moving for school in a few weeks and I think it freaks me out to think about it. I'm so convinced that everything that is good in my life will go away, that it's becoming a self -fulfilling prophecy.

When I got my concussions the first time I was in a very different place. I had worked my way to a starting spot on an up and coming team. All my hard work over 15 or so years of my life was paying off and then it was taken out from under me. I never got over that.

Soccer was literally who I was at the time. If anyone who knew me heard my name they would associate it with soccer. To not have that anymore was devastating. The last season I was told I didn't have to come to anything because I was injured but I was at EVERYTHING. Every two-a-day, every scrimmage, every game, I was there. I didn't know what else to do.

Over time I came to realize that life was going on without me. The team was successful without me. So I became disconnected. I began doing a lot of things to keep my mind off of what was going on. A lot of destructive things.

This lead my roommate (who was also a fellow soccer player) to get me to come to grips with reality. She brought me to church, a place I always avoided but knew I needed. In May of my senior year (5-2-2009) I was baptized in the ocean on the coast of Key Biscayne. It was beautiful. Serene. Perfect. I was connected to God there. I could feel him cradling me in my sadness and a certain peace took over me.

When I moved back to Ohio I let my job overtake my life, I didn't find a church here and I didn't look for one. I felt my faith and over time I felt it start deteriorating. To no one's fault but my own. I was in a destructive relationship which God allowed me to let go of quite easily. But I never took ownership of my life.

I had grieved over losing soccer, but I never searched myself to find out what else I could do. What else was I good at? At least the job I had was helping kids, I loved those kids but then that was taken from me as well when the funding stopped and we closed our doors the following January. It seemed everything that gave me hope and happiness was falling apart.

I'm looking for hope in all the wrong places and I'm doing that now. My hope, my love, my happiness, my peace is in the Lord. He holds me, He guides me, He loves me, no matter what. Everything else in my life is a bonus

On my arm I have a tattoo that is Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." This is my reminder to never lose that feeling of peace and rest from the Father. Today James Laurinaitis shared a verse with us that hit home. It is a more positive spin on loss and suffering. God always speaks to use through His Word and I am forever grateful for this:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Confusion

This is the hardest part about the healing process for me. The emotional confusion and frustration has started taking its toll on me today. Not only does that mean I am annoyed and irritable beyond belief but it makes me question everything about my life.

I don't want to talk to anyone about anything and yet I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head I'm not sure where they are going to go? If I'm being 100% honest, right now everything in my life feels difficult. I really can't even handle deciding whether or not I'm going to go to church tomorrow. I want to go and I think it will help but it's in a movie theatre, the music is loud and it's dark with bright lights... Seems like not a good idea.

My doctoral program I am suppose to start next month seems like hiking up Mt. Everest blindfolded walking backward. Not only that but everything positive in my life is annoying to me. I feel like I can be so successful but that my attitude right now i holding me back. I can't think straight and everything that comes to the surface is judgmental and rude so I just don't say anything.

I have people check on me every day and I really appreciate it but at the same time I feel like a child. Not only can I not take care of myself because of this stupid concussion but no one else can do anything for me either. I wish they could. I wish there was something I could tell everyone to do for me or help me with or say but there isn't.

Sometimes you just have to face that the day in front of you is a bad one. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for it, it just means it's a struggle. At times I want to curl up in fetal position on my bed, cover my head with my comforter and go to sleep until this is all over. Other times I just want to pack up a bag and run away. I don't want to face it, I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to be here.

But the reality is, I am in control of my life as much as possible, I won't act on these irrational thoughts and I will take on the day as I always do. Today is difficult. Today provides a moment for me to build strength, to build character and to remind myself that with God all things are possible. Even the smallest challenges can seem huge but if I can just remember to focus on Him, it will be taken care of.

Today, I will just wait to feel better. Today I will accept where I am. Today sucks but tomorrow will be better...

Stir Crazy

Today stinks. I'm feeling pretty isolated and lonely. Phil has come home to see me any chance he gets but it's getting hard just sitting around. I am watching TV today and I'm obviously on the computer. I'll have to shut down soon as I can feel my headache fluctuating to higher degrees...

I'm doing my biofeedback breathing and I really think that is keeping me grounded. But even that is difficult for me to concentrate during. When I breathe in I think of Peace and Acceptance and when I breathe out I think of Frustration and Control. I envision calm coming into my body and irritation leaving my body.

Inevitably during this time I begin to think about the fact I don't have a car. How will I get one? Do I have the money? Will I get to see Ariella and Jaxson soon? How is my sister? What will the affects of all this be? How long will it take for this case to be settled? So many thoughts. I can't reign them all in...

So during the day I am trying to keep busy with little tasks... I've done laundry, emptied the dishwasher and made lunch but there's really nothing else I can do. I'd like to vacuum but even that is probably not a good idea... Grrr.

The most frustrating part about sitting around all day is that I don't feel like I know this is helping me heal. I can't feel a difference and I know it won't be instantaneous but I'd love for it to be. Just seems frustrating that even the experts have no answers. Sit and wait. It's hard to stay motivated and excited about things but I think the best thing I can do is accept where I am.

Today, I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated but I'm also relaxed and trying to be content with where I am. One day at a time. Easier said than done but I'm doing my best. There are things that need to be done that I can't really do right now. I am trying to do them piece by piece...


But I'm exhausted. My eyes are tired and today, I am sad.

Oh Concussions...

This week has literally been crazy! My other sister had her baby on the 17th at 1:04 am. Her little girl was doing great but then had to be sent to the NICU yesterday for some tests. As of right now I think she is ok. My new nephew turned 2 weeks yesterday and we now know he will definitely need spine surgery, cleft surgery and skull surgery (as 2 plates are prematurely fused together).

In addition to that, today marks 7 years since my Uncle Doug unexpectedly passed away after a routine back surgery and it is also my brother-in-laws birthday. It has been NUTS around here...

It has been 3 weeks since my car accident...almost to the minute (6:40pm). I went to the doctor yesterday and my symptoms are still really high. The one good thing that comes from having done this before is that I do not get my hopes up for my doctor visits. I pretty much already know what they are going to say.

I went to a wedding on July 14 and the doctor said it set me back because I was dancing. To be honest, I knew it would but here's the thing, I was either going to sit there and be miserable or I was going to embrace the situation and deal with consequences later. I was NOT going to miss that wedding. So, here I am dealing with the consequences.

Now I have to be extra careful how much I'm driving, on the computer, watching TV or doing anything else mentally stimulating. My team is on their camp trip right now and I am obviously not there, which stinks but I knew last week that I couldn't go. It would've been a lot of fun because the coaches I worked with this year were awesome and our girls were so great to be around ;) They'll still have a blast.

I may have taken this whole resting thing a bit too far today but I don't know what else to do. After my chiropractor appointment this morning, I took a short nap before Phil brought me some lunch (love him!). Then I decided to go upstairs around 12:30pm to sleep. I just got out of bed at 6pm... Oops!

It's weird because my doctor and my old boss say to sleep as much as I need to and to relax and do nothing but Leah (my sports psychologist) tells me that naps aren't so great... I guess I just need to listen to my body on this one. I mean, what else am I suppose to do if I can't do anything mentally stimulating? lol...

All of this information is still so new, I feel like there still isn't enough research to know what is necessarily good and bad. It's strange, but this makes me excited. I am going back to school soon and I can't wait to get knee deep in concussion research and figure out the ins and outs of the field while educating those around me.

Yesterday an NFL player admitted to lying about concussion symptoms so he would be cleared to go back on the field. Education is necessary even at the professional level. It should never be used to induce fear in players but it is very important that people know what a concussion is, what it feels like and what to do if you or someone has one.

My neuropsychologist from Miami (Dr. Hotz) is trying to get grant money to fund her virtual concussion project so athletes can experience what a concussion is like before they get one. This is genius! I definitely think it will be helpful but at the same time everyone around them has to be a part of the help because sometimes, even though you know what it feels like or might feel like, it is difficult to remember at the time AND you still want to play!

Case in point, I didn't know I had a concussion this time. I kept telling everyone after I was diagnosed that I knew the whole time, but I had no idea. In fact, I was shocked when they said concussion. I was not even thinking along those lines. Even with my symptoms of nausea, vomiting, balance problems, headache, etc. It didn't even cross my mind that I had another concussion.

I'm taking it one day at a time and today has been an overall good day. Though I slept over half of it, at least I didn't have to deal with a terrible headache all day and now it is nice and quiet as I sit here writing this entry. Hopefully each day from here on out will be looking better and better :)

Feel free to leave comments or send messages if you have thoughts or want advice or need to just vent if you are experiencing any of the same symptoms or problems or even if it's something I haven't mentioned and you'd like me to :)

Reality Check

Oh Lord! I had a wedding last night and it was an amazing time, but I quickly realized I am still dealing with limitations. Last night I made the executive decision to get a headache enjoy the wedding instead of sitting, listening to the loud music and getting a headache being a bump on a log. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I really didn't feel too bad last night but today my head is rebelling. I can't say my headache has been below a 6. I slept from 1am until almost noon, woke up, at "breakfast" and slept from 2-4:30pm. Staying awake today is nearly impossible but I'm still getting my breathing done and eating 3 meals a day like I promised Leah, my sports psychologist.

One of the most frustrating things about having a concussions is that no one can see your injury. The only way people know what is going on is either 1) the look on my face says I'm in pain or 2) I just tell them what's going on.

My voice apparently gave me away today. My mom and my sister both said they were concerned about me after we spoke on the phone because I didn't "sound good". Trust me, I'm not good and if I heard me today, I'd agree with them.

Although my headache and fatigue are vicious today, my lower back pain and hips are rather sore as well. Plus my irritability is quite high today. I can't wait to get to the chiropractor tomorrow, if I can...

You see, I no longer have my sister's car so I have to figure out transportation for this week's doctor appointments... since my first one is at 10am tomorrow, I should probably get it together. The problem is I have zero energy, I've compared prices but I just can't stand to shell out $500 right now... do I have a choice? We'll see I suppose.

Last night I was actually discussing this issue with one of my friends who was also in a car accident shortly after mine. Unfortunately, hers was a hit and run and the police are saying there is nothing they can do for her. She DID hit her head and went to the hospital but maintains she is fine.

I tried to stress to her last night to go to a family doctor because sometimes the ER will just do scans and if they are clean, they give you pain pills and send you on your way. I mean, I get it but that doesn't mean that's the best option for her. She kept saying she was fine and it could've been a lot worse so she didn't want to complain.

I'll tell you right now, when I was going through my first ordeal with concussions, I had a friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 non-hodgkins lymphoma. I always felt guilty when I spoke with her about what was going on with me, I mean she was literally fighting for her life. But she said to me that no matter what was going on with anyone else, it didn't minimize what I was going through or dealing with. It wasn't a comparison, her experience was hers and mine was mine. I love that girl.

Anyway, I just hope my friend is ok. I worry a lot when people don't take head injuries seriously or think because it's nothing too noticeable than it must be nothing. Not the case. The brain is nothing to mess with. We know now that regardless of where you get hit on your head, your entire brain is affected. Be aware of this and PLEASE take any knock to the head seriously, keep track of your symptoms and take Tylenol not Ibuprofen.

LYDIA

Live Your Day Inspired Anew

Last night I watched a 20/20 about a young female who was murdered and her killer attempted to do the same to another young female. Fortunately, the second victim lived. She was inspiring to watch. Not only were the doctors amazed by her survival but the progress she was making in her recovery was remarkable.

Her name is Lydia, and the acronym for her name she shared with us she uses as a reminder for how far she has come. On the sentencing day of her attacker, she was unable to speak as she has to relearn how to talk due to her injuries but she bravely stood in front of everyone as her father read aloud her words. She spoke about forgiveness for him and how she would not let fear and bitterness run her life.

The interviewer on the show spoke to her at the end and she was able to communicate, and effectively at that! She said, "I choose peace and love". Wow! Not only is her story incredible but her fortitude, determination and character are astounding! I am so inspired by her. It was an intense reminder that each day has to be taken as a new opportunity and how you use that is up to you.

No one would've blamed her for giving up, no one would've been judgmental or questioning if she was angry and upset. But she decided that wasn't her path. Anger and bitterness are not her way. The inner strength she shows is incredible and I am forever indebted to her for reminding me that no matter what the circumstances are, I am still in control of ME.

Though there are things about my injury I can't control and the healing process will take its own course, I can control my attitude. I can control my behavior. I am grateful for walking away from that accident and I am grateful that my concussions isn't worse than it is. What ever will come of this situation will get me where I need to go.

Whether or not it is somewhere I am aware of or not, remains to be seen. But God knows and He will lead me there. Each day is its own. Today I am actually really struggling with being irritated but I am going to do my best to remember that what ever today ends up being, will be dictated by me.

I am so grateful for Lydia, for her strength and courage and her heart. It does not help me to compare myself to others. Each person is dealing with their own situation in their own way. What does help me is being exposed to inspirational stories of strength, hope, love and determination. Recovery is different for everyone and I am working on accepting what mine will be.

Attitude Adjustment

I had an interesting conversation with an old friend today who also happens to work in Sports Psychology. We were talking about the negative thoughts I've been having and the issues that my fear has conjured up in my head since my accident. She brought to my attention that, although I definitely have a concussion, I'm showing a lot of signs of PTSD.

I've regressed back to the stage I was in when I had my initial concussions. It's crazy when you know about things, have studied things and are interested in learning more about things but it's very difficult to apply them to yourself. It makes a lot of sense, I can feel the anxiety and my fears have been tainting everything that I dream about, in fact, my dreams have become nightmares to an extent.

With everything that is going on in my family right now, it's difficult to focus on myself and be ok with it. It is NOT selfish to make sure I am taken care of, it is my responsibility to myself. My healing now is essential to my success later. I know this.

I am so appreciative of the support system I have. My sister who is dealing with a newborn in the NICU has checked on me every day. My other sister is in ICU with blood clots in her hand and in immense pain, she is 38 weeks pregnant and when I visited her today, she still asked me how I was feeling today. My parents never fail to support me in taking care of myself, staying positive and taking it one day at a time.

Phil has been incredible. He is patient, understanding, supportive, comforting and concerned. He does not try to understand what I am going through, as it is very difficult to explain, but, instead, he is here to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, offer advice, give a hug, make me dinner, or anything else I need. 

And when I express my doubts, fears and confusion about the future, he doesn't take any of it personally, he walks me through it and talks to me about what makes sense, what doesn't and reminds me to take it one day at a time. He encourages me to remember that the world is at my feet and what ever it is I end up doing with my life, he will support me as long as I am happy and healthy.

Not only has HE been amazing but his sister has checked in on me every day since my accident. She expresses her concerns for me and my sisters who are dealing with their own problems. She offers help if needed and is very supportive in my healing process. It's as if I have another amazing sister.

And Phil's friends have been incredible. I have met a lot of amazing men and women through him and they are proving it day in and day out to me. I am so blessed to have gotten to know them and be friends with them. One of his friends checks in on me essentially every day. Others check in on occasion and it's so nice to be thought of. One friend who I have gotten pretty close with is getting married this weekend and still took the time to call me and check in on me earlier this week. 

There will be times during my healing that I am sad, depressed, fearful, uncertain and down right pessimistic. But at the end of the day, I have a stable and supportive environment to heal. I have love all around me and care and concern. There are people in my life I am not deserving of but I hope they know I appreciate them with all of my heart. Thank you everyone!!!

I started my biofeedback sessions yesterday and will be doing my 10 week cycle to induce healing and recovery from my injuries. I am blessed to have this opportunity to revisit this amazing skill and develop it once again. I've done this before, last time it was a whole lot worse. I can do this again... I will be me again... Soon! ;)

"No"

Yesterday was just terrible in terms of functioning so I'm going to skip that sob story and move on to today.

Not that I've been feeling a ton better but, here's the thing. If you've ever had a concussion and really dealt with it properly, you know how frustrating it can be to sit around all day and do nothing. I had another doctor appointment this morning and it was a whole bunch more "No"s.

No Studying.
No Coaching.
No Physical Activity.
No Prolonged Exposure to the Heat/Sun
No Watching TV or Being on the Computer for Long Periods of Time (15 minutes)

And also, here is a paper to keep track of your symptoms on a daily basis... as if I don't think about them enough. Please rate symptoms 1-6:

Headache
Nausea
Vomiting
Balance Problems
Dizziness
Fatigue
Trouble Falling Asleep
Sleeping More Than Usual
Sleeping Less Than Usual
Drowsiness
Sensitivity to Light
Sensitivity to Noise
Irritability
Sadness
Nervousness
Feeling More Emotional
Numbness or Tingling
Feeling Slowed Down
Feeling Mentally Foggy
Difficulty Concentrating
Difficulty Remembering
Visual Problems
Other

Anything else??

Here is what I CAN do:

Rest
Rest
Drink Water
Rest
Rest
Eat (if my stomach lets me)
Rest
Rest...

I think you get the idea. My balance is so bad that he did one test and told me that was enough... oh glorious.

I know I had a mini breakdown about wanting to run away the other day. If there is anything that I have learned from having concussions before, it's make no reaction decisions and make sure I'm healed before taking on life's plan for me.

There is too much for me to deal with right now in terms of merely healing for me to worry about the future. It will be what it will be. I need to take it one day at a time and take care of myself.

Resting must sound so easy to people but, trust me, after a few days of it... it gets really old really fast and I feel like I'm gaining weight just sitting here, lol. I can't eat anything so I know I'm not but seriously, I just want to go for a run... Focus Sam.

ImPACT

Have you ever had the feeling you wanted to get up and run away? Start over somewhere new? Do something new? Be a different person? Not because of anyone around you, not because of anything anyone has done, just because you can't deal with life anymore?

I'm not talking about the scary, "I don't want to be here anymore" or "I'm worthless" feelings. I'm just talking about feeling so overwhelmed and so set back that it would be infinitely easier to leave everything behind and start over.

In case you can't tell, this isn't where I envisioned my life going. Surprisingly, it's going MUCH better than I could've ever imagined. However, the problem is the pressures that come with doing well. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, coach, student, etc. I know I put the pressure on myself most of the time, but sometimes i feel like I"m not good at being an adult. Like maybe I was stunted at age 20 when I got my first concussion.

My sister is dealing with a baby in the NICU, my other sister is preparing to have baby #2 this week, my parents are dealing with all three of our situations, I'm borrowing my sister's car for the time being but I don't know how long I will be without a car, what the situation is going to be with the lawyer, if I'll be able to get my school work done and keep it all together without eating much and no exercise.

I have a headache, I'm irritated and I'm not going to sugarcoat how I'm feeling today. I'm overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, annoyed and completely over this stupid situation. It just seems that nothing ever can go smoothly. I know, I know. God's plan, not my plan. I KNOW! I'm just not seeing where this plan is taking me...

What if I can't succeed in graduate school now? What if I don't get back to where I was pre-accident and THAT wasn't even 100%! I've never been back to 100%. I have  a new 100% but my mind likes to remember the old me. The me that was exhilarated by playing soccer, excited to live life and in love with adventure.

I don't even know who I am now. How is it that 4 years later from my initial concussion, I STILL can't get it right?! I have no idea where my life is going. Sometimes I don't even care. It's dificult. It'll get better... I keep telling myself... It does get better...

Just another day...

After waking up at 10:30am and finally getting out of bed at 11, I've brushed my teeth and moved my presence to the couch where I now sit with the Wimbledon Final on and my online homework open in another tab.

My online class is Human Anatomy and Physiology. I need it for the biofeedback certification that I am slowly trying to obtain. This is the first step on the to-do list. There are 2 lessons a week and each lesson is split into 5 chapters. One is released on Wednesdays and the other lesson is released on Fridays. It's a 6 week course and I am half way through.

Here is the problem. Today, I began reading Lesson 5 (as I am behind because I should be done with Lesson 6) and I got through 2 chapters before realizing that the only thing I know is we are talking about bones and joints. There are these things called Synovial joints that we have and my teacher spent a good amount of time describing them, I have no idea what an example would even be, let alone what it is.

So, I stopped reading for now. I know I will have to redo whatever I just did so I might as well take a break first. I'm actually really tired now. Maybe I can start looking at this as a talent. It has to be special that I can read out loud to myself and remember only a few words of what I read and not be able to connect it to any of the other material... right? I mean, it won't get me an A but I can at least feel special :)

Hey, I'm trying to be positive here! My head isn't too bad today which deceived me into thinking everything must be back to normal. Nope, thanks for playing. I now have retained no information, I have a headache, my fatigue is back and my eyes are slowly closing. Being awake for 2 hours surely elicits enough time to be ready for a nap, right?

Oh concussion, you win this one for now...

Home

Nothing beats being at home with my mom when I don't feel well. Except if my dad would've been there, but that's ok. I woke up at 11am and went to see my new nephew at the hospital. He is doing better than expected so I'm definitely happy about that.

This morning I didn't have much of a headache, around 2-3 most of the day but my fatigue is out of this world. I slept from 2pm-4pm and I could easily go back to sleep as I'm typing. Still feeling dizzy a bit and not eating much. Nausea has finally subsided but I'm just not hungry, and when I am I can't eat more than a few bites without feeling full or sick... 10 pounds gone.

It's really nice to have my family so close to me this time. My mom rubbed my head today and my neck. Made me feel a little better but mostly just her being there was all I needed. Driving home I began to get a headache and become very sleepy. I can't handle being up doing much of anything. My headache is around a 4 but spurts of 6 show up from time to time. Better than I've been most other days.

I just want to sleep. I often wonder how I functioned for so long with my concussion symptoms last time. How the heck did I graduate college? It's unreal. I am 2 lessons behind for my online class right now, which is frustrating but there isn't much I can do about it.

I didn't go coach today and I'm not going to this coming week. With the heat and my fatigue and other symptoms, just no way that's a good idea. I am going to go see Dr. B on Monday and take the ImPACT test again. See how I do. It'll be 3pm, which means I usually am napping... but hopefully I'll be awake enough to take it.

The plan tonight is to watch the 2012 World Series of Poker. Not much to think about and the screen won't move too fast. Riveting Saturday night, I know... But I have to do what I have to do, right? REST.

Tough Day

I know each day will be something new to tackle. Today has been no exception. In fact, as I type this I am intermittently closing my eyes because the light hurts them a lot :(

I can't seem to shake this headache. But at least today my nausea is less more often than it's terrible. I took a 2 hour nap a litle bit ago so I am doing a little better. Just feeling very out of it and definitely not myself...

In addition to this irritating tingling feeling I have all over, my balance is unsteady to say the least... Man I'm glad I can type with my eyes closed.

I find it funny that the doctors ask people to rate their headaches on a scale of 1-10... I mean, what does that mean? So I made up my own scale of headache pain:

1 - slight annoyance
2 - slightly more of an annoyance
3 - an annoyance with a little bit of an edge
4 - past annoying, painful
5 - painful and throbbing
6 - painful, throbbing and causing some function issues, makes you sleepy
7 - painful, throbbing, causing function issues that others notice, difficult to fight sleepiness
8 - painful, throbbing, causing function issues that others notice and it's hard to think of anything else, lay down to rest
9 - painful, throbbing, causing function issues that others notice and can't think of anything else, take a nap
10 - Debilitating.

I'm not sure how others with concussions feel, but this is how I tend to feel when I rate my headaches. Napping is a big sign that my headache is worse than I'm acting. I can usually bypass others noticing much except my sleepiness but sometimes I talk really slow or have balance issues or my eyes will close when I'm standing up or just sitting doing nothing.

On another note, Phil said yesterday, "What do you do for someone who has a concussion?". Great question. I had no answer. My first concussions I dealt with on my own. I didn't have any immediate/close support because I was in Miami so I wasn't sure what to say. I guess the best advice I can give is to let me complain, don't get annoyed with me if everyday I say I don't feel well, if I need help I'll ask, I may need to sleep all day but don't count that as lazy just understand I need to heal and, most of all, as frustrating and annoyed as you may get with me, times that by 100 and that's how frustrated/annoyed/irritated I am with the situation.

It's hard to say what others around those with head injuries can do. My one, absolutely for sure, best advice I can give is be patient. I can't control how quickly my head heals and sometimes I can't control my temper. My symptoms are my symptoms and I will try as hard as I can not to let them become a part of me. At times, this is hard. I know things will get better but there are some days when I don't care to hear about it. Support is always appreciated and having a shoulder to cry on means more than anyone can know.

Ok, these words are getting blurry and there are black lines on the screen that I'm 100% sure aren't actually there so I'm going to shut down for the day. Hope everyone is having a great Friday... tomorrow will be better for me... I get to meet my nephew :)

1 Week

It's been one week since the accident. Ironically today is the worst day I've had in a while. My head is throbbing to the point where it's difficult to keep my eyes open. I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and I'm contemplating walking around with my eyes closed and turning my Doberman into a seeing eye dog. Perhaps not such a good idea... but it's an option I suppose.

I went to lunch with my boyfriend, Phil, and his sister today. Before it was over I was leaning on his shoulder half asleep. How rude! I couldn't believe I was acting like that and so tired. I could only eat about half of my spinach salad without wanting to regurgitate.

The best part? My attitude SUCKS today. I'm cranky and whiny and, quite frankly, I don't care. For anyone who has never had a concussion, I wouldn't wish it on anyone in this entire world, but if only they could experience it for 24 hours it would help you understand why only a week out I am struggling so much.

There is a girl who I actually met at my old job because she has concussion symptoms over a year out from her trauma and we ironically go to the same church. We've been in touch, as we both feel like we are the only one's who understand what it's like... it's nice to know I'm not. I mean, really, I wish she would get better and I"m sure she wishes me the same, but in the mean time we can totally use this as a blessing in disguise.

In not focusing on my stupid headache, an update on my sister. She had her baby yesterday, he is 5 lb 10oz (a lot bigger than we were expecting!). He's doing well but has to have some chromosome testing done. It looks like the left side of his heart is small and there are some issues going on but no immediate surgery is needed, which is awesome!!! I'm trying to focus on the little guy. I'll get to see him on Saturday.

The worst thing is that I don't have a ride anywhere so I have to ask everyone to come get me right now. It shouldn't be too bad as the hospital is only about 5 minutes from my house but it's hard to rely on other people. In fact, I probably shouldn't be driving at the moment... well at least today... my balance has been terrible today. I almost fell in the bathroom and in the shower, I'm walking a little wobbly and my eyes are shifting rather slow.

But hey, nothing says I can't take another nap. I've been up for a solid 20 minutes... which means it's about time! Here's praying tomorrow is a better day all :)

Happy 4th of July!

It's amazing how time flies and how so much can happen and change in such a short time frame. In addition to what has been going on in my life, both of my older sisters are pregnant and both are high risk due to a blood clotting disorder they have (inherited from my dad). My oldest sister was in the hospital over the weekend due to contractions but they want to keep her baby in as long as possible. He has a heart defect and there are some other complications that are possible. We are praying hard for her and her little one to fight through this tough time. (If you are interested, she has a blog about it, please visit www.jaxsonsride.blogspot.com)

My other sister is having her own health problems, she's dealing with intense swelling in her legs and lots of discomfort. Throughout her pregnancy she has had a kidney infection and antibiotics just can't seem to knock it out. I just pray for her to be healthy and safe during her labor and delivery.

With all three kids going through their own trials, my parents have remained the backbone of our family. My dad has a blood clotting disorder and a back problem so he is in constant pain but is always up and going and here if we need anything. My mom takes on everything she possibly can, helps in every way possible and carries a lot of extra burden for us. I'm worried about her because she had a heart attack 7 years ago, set off my stress of suddenly losing her brother and I was in the middle of Hurricane Katrina.

Though my family is going through a tough time, it helps me to realize how blessed I am to have 4 people that will always be here for me, no matter what and no questions asked. I love them all very much and I just want each of us to come out on the other side happy, healthy and renewed through the strength we develop during this trying time.

This time around is a lot different for me. The first 5 concussions I had (within 6 months of one another), I didn't really have a support system. I was in Miami, my family was in Ohio and the guy I was dating at the time was on and off again. There was no constant in my life, except soccer, which I no longer had.

Now, I'm close to my family, I've developed even better relationships with them  over the last few years, I have an amazing boyfriend who is here for me no matter what and would go to the end of the Earth to make sure I get better and I have amazing friends (new and old) who are here for me, concerned about me and love me. I'm so grateful.

All of that is true and because of that you'd think this situation would be a walk in the park. The reality remains that no one truly understands how I feel. I'm excited when I see people overcome obstacles and reach a huge goal in their life. But part of me can't help but to be jealous. I never got to finish my college career, I never had the chance to play professionally or at any elite level. It's hard not to feel confused as to why everyone else seems to overcome tremendous obstacles and yet, I can't. My head won't let me, I don't heal quickly and I am mentally drained. Why? What is wrong with me?

Yesterday I was attempting to ask my boyfriend if the dishes were dirty but instead I asked him if the doctors were dirty. Instead of saying people sweep the floor, I said they shower the floor. Instead of saying Tokyo is a city, I went ahead and made it into a country. I laugh about this because I know that my word finding is going to be off, I know I am going to pause and think about what I was trying to say, but I would be lying if I said I can just brush it off and not think about it. It's embarrassing and frustrating.

How am I going to handle a doctoral program if I can't remember things and I can't think of words to communicate with others? What if I am trying to help someone through something but my brain can't keep up with what is going on? My processing is quite slow right now and I am just trying to be patient but it's very difficult.

I get this tingling sensation all over and it almost feels like I'm not in my own body. I'm nauseous even from drinking water and the heat drains everything I have in me. I've been up since 9 but I feel like I could go back to sleep... I know rest is good and I need to in order to recover, but at what point am I just lazy? How hard do I push now without prolonging my healing process?

I could be better in a week, a month, 6 months, a year, I don't know. The last time I was "better" I never returned to where I was before. What does that mean for this time?

So many questions, lots of time to ponder them as I lie around. I have online homework to do, maybe I'll try to do that... after a nap.

How I got here

Wow! So I set up this blog last night with the intent of writing my first post (obviously). Unfortunately, my head had other ideas. By the time I set this all up and began to type, my brain was mush and there was no way I was going to get my thoughts out in any form, so I decided to go to bed.

I woke up at 4am to catch a flight to see my boyfriend and his family for the 4th of July. Not only did I sleep on the plane but the minute I entered the house I went to bed and didn't wake up until noon (which is 1pm my time). Oh, great! It's going to be like this again.

You see, I was in a car accident last week where I was rear ended by a semi on the freeway. I won't go into the details but I was very lucky that my dog and I walked away. However, after a few days I was noticing an increasingly worse headache, and I had terrible nausea that just wouldn't subside. I've lost 7 pounds in 3 days because I can't eat very much :( Yesterday I was diagnosed with a concussion...

Concussion #6 to be exact. Getting a concussion without hitting my head is very frustrating. At least the others were all contact related. The doc said it's because the force I was hit with caused my brain to hit my skull and any outside contact was irrelevant. So, here I am. Headache, nausea, irritability, frustration, slow processing and limited activity. Remind me again why I didn't go to LA to play semi-professional soccer?

This year has been a complete whirlwind. As I approached the ripe age of 25 I didn't know where my life was going. I had a good job that I had been at for almost 2 years but knew I didn't want to work there forever, I have an incredible boyfriend who supports me no matter what venture I decide to take on, we have a great rescue dog who I love to death, his family and my family are extremely supportive and I still felt like something was missing. Where was my life going?

Thinking about what I would be doing in 5 years was boggling my mind. Luckily, last year, my boyfriend suggested that I apply to graduate school for clinical psychology. I thought, no way! Last time I was in school I struggled so much because of my concussions. My senior year in undergrad was a nightmare, but I did what I could and survived! But, I listened to him and applied to a few schools nearby. Applications were due in December/January but I wouldn't find out anything until March so I began to get impatient.

I decided perhaps my life should go back to soccer. One of my good friends plays professionally and got me into contact with a team in LA. I decided within a week that I would quit my job, move to Cali, live with a host family and play soccer for the summer. While I was waiting to leave for Cali, I received a call during the last week in February that I was invited to an interview at Wright State for their Doctor of Psychology program.

I thought, there's no way I'll get in, but I got the time off work, bought a new suit, new shoes and make up and was off the next morning. A full day of meeting people, doing group interviews, individual interviews and learning all about the program. 200 people had applied, 90 got interviews and 20-30 would be chosen for the class. On the way down I decided that if they wanted me then I would get in, if they didn't, then it wasn't the right fit. So I walked in confident that I would be myself and what would be would be. It was a fun time, I really enjoyed everyone applying and the attitude of the professors.

My interviews went well and at 330pm I was on my way home. Could I really go back to school? Now? Perhaps I'll play soccer this summer and if I get in I'll come back and go to school... yea, that sounded like a great plan.

3 weeks later, my bags were packed and I was getting dropped off at the airport. As I entered the airport I physically became sick to my stomach and I couldn't go any further. This was a moment in my life that I could regret forever... everyone was expecting me to go, I was expecting me to go! What would everyone say? How could I have waited until now to realize I didn't want to go? Oh man. After getting some wise advice from my oldest sister, I called my boyfriend to come pick me up, I sent emails to the coach and my host family and I let my parents know that I was going to stay.

Why? I realized my priorities had changed. Soccer wasn't #1 anymore. My life was developing in a different way now. I didn't want another concussions (well, you can't win 'em all!) and I didn't want to leave everyone I love so much behind. Sure, I could've played semi-pro soccer around home but the reality is that I haven't played competitive soccer in over 4 years and I am not the same person I was 4 years ago. Thank goodness! A lot has changed.

After a few days I sent an email to my old boss letting him know I didn't go. He was very supportive of my decision to leave and has been instrumental in a lot of the direction I have in my life right now. Fortunately, he created a short-term position for me at work and I was able to earn some extra money. I had received a letter in the mail that I had been chosen for the alternate list at Wright State!!! Hey, it wasn't "no" and I certainly hadn't expected even that!

I wouldn't start back to work until the end of April but, wouldn't you know, that the week before I got a phone call that I had been accepted to Wright State's School of Professional Psychology program for my PsyD in Clinical Psychology. I must've ran 15 laps around my place, called everyone I knew screaming and jumping for joy. It had been a very long time since I had felt so accomplished. So happy. So excited.

Now I'm done working, I have an apartment getting ready to start my PsyD program to work with the concussion population, I'm taking an online class in preparation of getting my biofeedback/neurofeedback licenses, I've been ask to do some concussion research with different departments at school and then I get rear ended by this stupid semi.

Since my initial concussions, I've never felt fully back to normal. Disconnected, unaccomplished and frustrated. But, I had reached a point where I had no headaches, I was able to exercise regularly, I wasn't dizzy, getting sick, off balance, I had finally gotten off all of my medication. I was normal.

Now? On Sunday I had to read my homework out loud to myself and I still couldn't pay attention... My temper is shorter then ever, I can barely eat anything, my body hurts, I'm on meds again and, I mean, are you reading this thing? I'm complaining again! I finally got past having to say everyday "I don't feel good" and now, it's the first thing out of my mouth. My eyelids flutter when I try to sleep and if I close my eyes I lose my balance, I'm really shaky and good Lord!!! Anything else?

I promise not all of my posts will be this way. I just wanted to give a bit about my background and keep track of my days dealing with my newest concussion. Feel free to ask questions or let me know if you have suggestions on how to deal with all of this again... I hope none of you have to deal with what I am dealing with... again. If you are, please reach out to me. You aren't alone.