How I got here

Wow! So I set up this blog last night with the intent of writing my first post (obviously). Unfortunately, my head had other ideas. By the time I set this all up and began to type, my brain was mush and there was no way I was going to get my thoughts out in any form, so I decided to go to bed.

I woke up at 4am to catch a flight to see my boyfriend and his family for the 4th of July. Not only did I sleep on the plane but the minute I entered the house I went to bed and didn't wake up until noon (which is 1pm my time). Oh, great! It's going to be like this again.

You see, I was in a car accident last week where I was rear ended by a semi on the freeway. I won't go into the details but I was very lucky that my dog and I walked away. However, after a few days I was noticing an increasingly worse headache, and I had terrible nausea that just wouldn't subside. I've lost 7 pounds in 3 days because I can't eat very much :( Yesterday I was diagnosed with a concussion...

Concussion #6 to be exact. Getting a concussion without hitting my head is very frustrating. At least the others were all contact related. The doc said it's because the force I was hit with caused my brain to hit my skull and any outside contact was irrelevant. So, here I am. Headache, nausea, irritability, frustration, slow processing and limited activity. Remind me again why I didn't go to LA to play semi-professional soccer?

This year has been a complete whirlwind. As I approached the ripe age of 25 I didn't know where my life was going. I had a good job that I had been at for almost 2 years but knew I didn't want to work there forever, I have an incredible boyfriend who supports me no matter what venture I decide to take on, we have a great rescue dog who I love to death, his family and my family are extremely supportive and I still felt like something was missing. Where was my life going?

Thinking about what I would be doing in 5 years was boggling my mind. Luckily, last year, my boyfriend suggested that I apply to graduate school for clinical psychology. I thought, no way! Last time I was in school I struggled so much because of my concussions. My senior year in undergrad was a nightmare, but I did what I could and survived! But, I listened to him and applied to a few schools nearby. Applications were due in December/January but I wouldn't find out anything until March so I began to get impatient.

I decided perhaps my life should go back to soccer. One of my good friends plays professionally and got me into contact with a team in LA. I decided within a week that I would quit my job, move to Cali, live with a host family and play soccer for the summer. While I was waiting to leave for Cali, I received a call during the last week in February that I was invited to an interview at Wright State for their Doctor of Psychology program.

I thought, there's no way I'll get in, but I got the time off work, bought a new suit, new shoes and make up and was off the next morning. A full day of meeting people, doing group interviews, individual interviews and learning all about the program. 200 people had applied, 90 got interviews and 20-30 would be chosen for the class. On the way down I decided that if they wanted me then I would get in, if they didn't, then it wasn't the right fit. So I walked in confident that I would be myself and what would be would be. It was a fun time, I really enjoyed everyone applying and the attitude of the professors.

My interviews went well and at 330pm I was on my way home. Could I really go back to school? Now? Perhaps I'll play soccer this summer and if I get in I'll come back and go to school... yea, that sounded like a great plan.

3 weeks later, my bags were packed and I was getting dropped off at the airport. As I entered the airport I physically became sick to my stomach and I couldn't go any further. This was a moment in my life that I could regret forever... everyone was expecting me to go, I was expecting me to go! What would everyone say? How could I have waited until now to realize I didn't want to go? Oh man. After getting some wise advice from my oldest sister, I called my boyfriend to come pick me up, I sent emails to the coach and my host family and I let my parents know that I was going to stay.

Why? I realized my priorities had changed. Soccer wasn't #1 anymore. My life was developing in a different way now. I didn't want another concussions (well, you can't win 'em all!) and I didn't want to leave everyone I love so much behind. Sure, I could've played semi-pro soccer around home but the reality is that I haven't played competitive soccer in over 4 years and I am not the same person I was 4 years ago. Thank goodness! A lot has changed.

After a few days I sent an email to my old boss letting him know I didn't go. He was very supportive of my decision to leave and has been instrumental in a lot of the direction I have in my life right now. Fortunately, he created a short-term position for me at work and I was able to earn some extra money. I had received a letter in the mail that I had been chosen for the alternate list at Wright State!!! Hey, it wasn't "no" and I certainly hadn't expected even that!

I wouldn't start back to work until the end of April but, wouldn't you know, that the week before I got a phone call that I had been accepted to Wright State's School of Professional Psychology program for my PsyD in Clinical Psychology. I must've ran 15 laps around my place, called everyone I knew screaming and jumping for joy. It had been a very long time since I had felt so accomplished. So happy. So excited.

Now I'm done working, I have an apartment getting ready to start my PsyD program to work with the concussion population, I'm taking an online class in preparation of getting my biofeedback/neurofeedback licenses, I've been ask to do some concussion research with different departments at school and then I get rear ended by this stupid semi.

Since my initial concussions, I've never felt fully back to normal. Disconnected, unaccomplished and frustrated. But, I had reached a point where I had no headaches, I was able to exercise regularly, I wasn't dizzy, getting sick, off balance, I had finally gotten off all of my medication. I was normal.

Now? On Sunday I had to read my homework out loud to myself and I still couldn't pay attention... My temper is shorter then ever, I can barely eat anything, my body hurts, I'm on meds again and, I mean, are you reading this thing? I'm complaining again! I finally got past having to say everyday "I don't feel good" and now, it's the first thing out of my mouth. My eyelids flutter when I try to sleep and if I close my eyes I lose my balance, I'm really shaky and good Lord!!! Anything else?

I promise not all of my posts will be this way. I just wanted to give a bit about my background and keep track of my days dealing with my newest concussion. Feel free to ask questions or let me know if you have suggestions on how to deal with all of this again... I hope none of you have to deal with what I am dealing with... again. If you are, please reach out to me. You aren't alone.