ImPACT

Have you ever had the feeling you wanted to get up and run away? Start over somewhere new? Do something new? Be a different person? Not because of anyone around you, not because of anything anyone has done, just because you can't deal with life anymore?

I'm not talking about the scary, "I don't want to be here anymore" or "I'm worthless" feelings. I'm just talking about feeling so overwhelmed and so set back that it would be infinitely easier to leave everything behind and start over.

In case you can't tell, this isn't where I envisioned my life going. Surprisingly, it's going MUCH better than I could've ever imagined. However, the problem is the pressures that come with doing well. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, coach, student, etc. I know I put the pressure on myself most of the time, but sometimes i feel like I"m not good at being an adult. Like maybe I was stunted at age 20 when I got my first concussion.

My sister is dealing with a baby in the NICU, my other sister is preparing to have baby #2 this week, my parents are dealing with all three of our situations, I'm borrowing my sister's car for the time being but I don't know how long I will be without a car, what the situation is going to be with the lawyer, if I'll be able to get my school work done and keep it all together without eating much and no exercise.

I have a headache, I'm irritated and I'm not going to sugarcoat how I'm feeling today. I'm overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, annoyed and completely over this stupid situation. It just seems that nothing ever can go smoothly. I know, I know. God's plan, not my plan. I KNOW! I'm just not seeing where this plan is taking me...

What if I can't succeed in graduate school now? What if I don't get back to where I was pre-accident and THAT wasn't even 100%! I've never been back to 100%. I have  a new 100% but my mind likes to remember the old me. The me that was exhilarated by playing soccer, excited to live life and in love with adventure.

I don't even know who I am now. How is it that 4 years later from my initial concussion, I STILL can't get it right?! I have no idea where my life is going. Sometimes I don't even care. It's dificult. It'll get better... I keep telling myself... It does get better...