Confusion

This is the hardest part about the healing process for me. The emotional confusion and frustration has started taking its toll on me today. Not only does that mean I am annoyed and irritable beyond belief but it makes me question everything about my life.

I don't want to talk to anyone about anything and yet I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head I'm not sure where they are going to go? If I'm being 100% honest, right now everything in my life feels difficult. I really can't even handle deciding whether or not I'm going to go to church tomorrow. I want to go and I think it will help but it's in a movie theatre, the music is loud and it's dark with bright lights... Seems like not a good idea.

My doctoral program I am suppose to start next month seems like hiking up Mt. Everest blindfolded walking backward. Not only that but everything positive in my life is annoying to me. I feel like I can be so successful but that my attitude right now i holding me back. I can't think straight and everything that comes to the surface is judgmental and rude so I just don't say anything.

I have people check on me every day and I really appreciate it but at the same time I feel like a child. Not only can I not take care of myself because of this stupid concussion but no one else can do anything for me either. I wish they could. I wish there was something I could tell everyone to do for me or help me with or say but there isn't.

Sometimes you just have to face that the day in front of you is a bad one. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for it, it just means it's a struggle. At times I want to curl up in fetal position on my bed, cover my head with my comforter and go to sleep until this is all over. Other times I just want to pack up a bag and run away. I don't want to face it, I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to be here.

But the reality is, I am in control of my life as much as possible, I won't act on these irrational thoughts and I will take on the day as I always do. Today is difficult. Today provides a moment for me to build strength, to build character and to remind myself that with God all things are possible. Even the smallest challenges can seem huge but if I can just remember to focus on Him, it will be taken care of.

Today, I will just wait to feel better. Today I will accept where I am. Today sucks but tomorrow will be better...