It's amazing how time flies and how so much can happen and change in such a short time frame. In addition to what has been going on in my life, both of my older sisters are pregnant and both are high risk due to a blood clotting disorder they have (inherited from my dad). My oldest sister was in the hospital over the weekend due to contractions but they want to keep her baby in as long as possible. He has a heart defect and there are some other complications that are possible. We are praying hard for her and her little one to fight through this tough time. (If you are interested, she has a blog about it, please visit www.jaxsonsride.blogspot.com)
My other sister is having her own health problems, she's dealing with intense swelling in her legs and lots of discomfort. Throughout her pregnancy she has had a kidney infection and antibiotics just can't seem to knock it out. I just pray for her to be healthy and safe during her labor and delivery.
With all three kids going through their own trials, my parents have remained the backbone of our family. My dad has a blood clotting disorder and a back problem so he is in constant pain but is always up and going and here if we need anything. My mom takes on everything she possibly can, helps in every way possible and carries a lot of extra burden for us. I'm worried about her because she had a heart attack 7 years ago, set off my stress of suddenly losing her brother and I was in the middle of Hurricane Katrina.
Though my family is going through a tough time, it helps me to realize how blessed I am to have 4 people that will always be here for me, no matter what and no questions asked. I love them all very much and I just want each of us to come out on the other side happy, healthy and renewed through the strength we develop during this trying time.
This time around is a lot different for me. The first 5 concussions I had (within 6 months of one another), I didn't really have a support system. I was in Miami, my family was in Ohio and the guy I was dating at the time was on and off again. There was no constant in my life, except soccer, which I no longer had.
Now, I'm close to my family, I've developed even better relationships with them over the last few years, I have an amazing boyfriend who is here for me no matter what and would go to the end of the Earth to make sure I get better and I have amazing friends (new and old) who are here for me, concerned about me and love me. I'm so grateful.
All of that is true and because of that you'd think this situation would be a walk in the park. The reality remains that no one truly understands how I feel. I'm excited when I see people overcome obstacles and reach a huge goal in their life. But part of me can't help but to be jealous. I never got to finish my college career, I never had the chance to play professionally or at any elite level. It's hard not to feel confused as to why everyone else seems to overcome tremendous obstacles and yet, I can't. My head won't let me, I don't heal quickly and I am mentally drained. Why? What is wrong with me?
Yesterday I was attempting to ask my boyfriend if the dishes were dirty but instead I asked him if the doctors were dirty. Instead of saying people sweep the floor, I said they shower the floor. Instead of saying Tokyo is a city, I went ahead and made it into a country. I laugh about this because I know that my word finding is going to be off, I know I am going to pause and think about what I was trying to say, but I would be lying if I said I can just brush it off and not think about it. It's embarrassing and frustrating.
How am I going to handle a doctoral program if I can't remember things and I can't think of words to communicate with others? What if I am trying to help someone through something but my brain can't keep up with what is going on? My processing is quite slow right now and I am just trying to be patient but it's very difficult.
I get this tingling sensation all over and it almost feels like I'm not in my own body. I'm nauseous even from drinking water and the heat drains everything I have in me. I've been up since 9 but I feel like I could go back to sleep... I know rest is good and I need to in order to recover, but at what point am I just lazy? How hard do I push now without prolonging my healing process?
I could be better in a week, a month, 6 months, a year, I don't know. The last time I was "better" I never returned to where I was before. What does that mean for this time?
So many questions, lots of time to ponder them as I lie around. I have online homework to do, maybe I'll try to do that... after a nap.
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