Sitting Around

It's amazing how only a little bit of activity can cause so much turmoil on my body. Last night my church was handing out backpacks and school supplies to low income families, I really needed to get out of the house so I decided to go.

I ran into a friend who goes to my church and has concussion issues as well. She is 15 months into her journey (poor thing). We ended up chatting for almost and hour and a half. I began to feel pretty crummy so I decided to come home. Needless to say I slept 10-11 hours last night and took almost a 2 hour nap today.

Not only have I been trying to figure out how to rest as much as possible but now my sister is back in the ICU with a low hemoglobin level. Before I went to see her I had to go to the Chiropractor and they informed me that I couldn't have my massage today because they have to talk to my lawyer. This made me really upset because a big part of my headaches is tension, I know it is and the massages help a lot.

I couldn't take it. Not one more thing to frustrate me so I broke down and began to cry. A really nice older lady stopped to ask me if I was ok and if she could help, she was super sweet. I wish there was something she could've done but really her asking was enough to make me smile. So sweet.

Visiting my sister in the hospital is getting really old, I can't imagine how she feels. Her poor 9 year old doesn't quite understand everything that is going on because we don't necessarily understand it all. She misses her mommy and there is really nothing we can do about it right now. She asked her mom today if her mom was going to die. Heartbreaking.

There is so much going on right now, still. I just feel like I am helpless. There is nothing that can be done for me and we can't do anything for my sister. Essentially they are saying she is having an allergic reaction to a medication they gave her and her white blood cells began to attack her red blood cells. They took her off the medication but it could take up to a week before the medication is our of her system.

Meanwhile her newborn may be ready to go home before she is out of the ICU... then what? My poor parents are going through so much right now. I know they will be happy to take the baby home but it definitely won't make anything easier.

My emotions are out of control. Phil has been instrumental in keeping me in one piece. Being separated from the world is difficult. I'm only connected via the internet and even then I'm not plugged in often.

I got an email from my big sis of my graduate program and it sounds like we will be a great fit. She's into sports, plays soccer, is beginning her 2nd year of the SOPP program and is interested in sports psychology. She was asking me if I'm excited yet...

It's hard to answer that. Sometimes I am, other times I'm not and other times I'm indifferent. I know this is something I want to do in my head but right now there is so much going on it's the last thing on my mind. I literally can't handle anything else swirling around in my head.

My thoughts race about everything and I can't keep from going to a dark place on everything. Thinking I'll fail my program, Phil will leave me, my sister isn't going to get better... it's driving me insane! I know these are irrational thoughts but I can't control them. It's a constant dialogue to keep myself in check. I'm exhausted.

When I was speaking with my friend who also has a concussion, she said she feels the same way. The only way to describe it is that we feel "crazy". Not in a derogatory sense or poking fun at psychosis by any means, but "crazy" in a sense that we can't think of any other way to describe it.

I just hope I can start gaining some more control of my emotions and thoughts. Doing my breathing and resting is all I can do, but there has to be a balance because being inside all the time is making me so depressed and anxious about everything... I just keep telling myself "It will get better"... Man, I hope so...